I recall one evening at youth during the summer. The band decided to host a full night of worship. This was exciting to me, because I hear God most through music and art. The evening was spectacular, by all means, but God laid a burden on my heart for someone that does not know Christ.

My life intersects with this person's life in a very personal way. I'm sure if this person never came to know Christ I would be devastated, especially knowing that I will be in heaven for eternity and this person will always be suffering.
That scares me.

I don't know what to do to reach out, but I know I need to do something, whether that be simple communion or encouragement. Just... something.
But it hurts to no end.
I'm at a loss of words.
How could I possibly help?


I wish we all shared the same hope.





God, give me strength and wisdom, and the opportunity to reach out to this person.

Sometimes I forget how quickly my life changes.

I'm completely aware that I haven't posted on here in nearly 3 months. I kinda feel like I've let this whole summer pass by, but then I realized that the only problem was that I didn't stop and notice the things that really made a difference.
I was talking to a good friend of mine this week about how entering high school as a freshmen really tests your maturity. What matters, and what doesn't? When should I and shouldn't speak? When is it okay to be loud and social(and sometimes obnoxious). What's really worthy to be upset about? When do I say "no"?. What are my highest priorities? .. and what is the foundation of my life and everything in which I believe?
To a middle schooler, these things are "subconsciously" important, but aren't really applied. My church's middle school group seems to become less and less mature every year, but then I realized it's just me growing up.

I'm entering my senior year. I read status updates on facebook today from 2009 seniors. They talked about how awesome their new colleges are and how cool their dorms and apartments look. I thought to myself "They're college students?? Really??"... then I realized I'm not too far behind them. I'm graduating in just over 9 months.
Truth me told, I have a lot of very large decisions to make in the next two or three years... decisions that, a year ago, I never even thought would cross my mind as a serious consideration. I'm finally facing the time in my life when I really have to think as an adult. What's best for me, and the rest of my life? These things were always "subconsciously" important to me, but they simply weren't applied yet. Now I see.

Pray for me as I set off into my senior year. I'm not dreading the return of school for once in my life. I think I'm fairly well prepared. The summer was fun and I learned a lot, but I'm ready to turn to the next page. I'm anxious to see what happens.


Pray for me. This is probably going to be most challenging year of my life. I'm going to need some strength and wisdom.

btw, does anyone want to be my accountability leader?

Urgent!

Pray pray pray!!

I swear, I couldn't need it any more than now.
God has complete control over this... and it's beating me to the freaking core because of the mere thought of how incredible POWERFUL God is...
I need strength and guidance, I need a divine intervention!
I CAN NOT tolerate Satan getting in the way of this. I JUST CAN'T!

This is God you're dealing with.. powerful stuff.



Gah, I can't properly express what I'm thinking right now, not even in words on a blog.
JUST PRAY!
Pray for me!
Pray that Satan will stay away, so God can do his work.
Pray that ears and hearts will be opened...
PLEASE..
This is a radical mission field I've never experienced before... at least, not at this level.
This is such a huge deal to me, I can't even sit still... it shivers my spine.


God, send me!!

I need a lot of prayer... mostly for strength to accomplish small things, as well as large things, like college and a job.
I'm so swamped with stuff to take care of.
I may grow weak, unless of course I continue to find my strength in Christ constantly.

But this is why I need prayer. I'm only human, but I wanna try...



I'll try to be more specific in my blogs later on.. but it's late. I'm going to bed.
Goodnight, faithful readers.

Hello, strangers

Haven't updated in nearly a month.
Sorry, I forgot!
Nothing personal. :-)


Galveston mission trip was phenomenal. God blessed me by making a way for me to go, and blessed me even more by working through me on the mission field in Galveston. The most interesting thing about my experience was that my purpose was not wholly to serve the people in Galveston, but also minister to and encourage other team members from Glenview. I returned home with a new good friend, who is now a follower of Christ as of two weeks ago. Not only is God blessing me with a good friend, but He is also giving me the opportunity to disciple a new believer.
God has been building me up lately, for a leadership role... now I'm pretty sure I know why.
As my faithful readers, I ask that you pray for me.. that I keep up with my devotions with God and continue to grow in him as I face the challenges of teaching.
Also pray that I can get a "Paul" to help disciple me also.


I may post more often, depending if I can remember. I've had a lot on my mind lately that I want to post or update on.
I guess we'll see.


Blessings,
Katie

I'm going to Galveston.
God blessed me.


:-)




InOtherNews:


I've been thinking about what I'm going to do after high school. I'm going to be a senior pretty soon, so I suppose it's about time to think about it.
I spoke with my painting teacher on Monday about the school her granddaughter is going to (whom is one of my friends also).
She's going to the Hallmark Institute of Photography in Massachusetts. Obviously, it's a school strictly for photography.
This is like... my dream, to say the least.

Unfortunately, it's in Massachusetts, where it's expensive to live.. plus the tuition in $60,000.
But, it's an 11 month school.. not four year, so I'd be done pretty quick and won't even have to deal with taking all those English classes and such in college. Heck, SAT scores don't even matter, which is a bonus because I already know I'm going to suck at SATs.
I would have to wait a year after graduation to go(possibly even two) to save the money with a full time job. After talking to my teacher and looking at the website, the money that is spent on the year attending the school will be easily earned back in sales the next year, which is pretty kick-butt if you ask me. The training in fantastic, which included photoshop, lighting, and running your own business. Not only that, but the tuition comes with a camera.. the best one being made at the time, which alone is a several thousand dollar value.

*drool*

Man, would I love to go there. So many pros and cons though...
This is something to pray about.

Compilation Update:

.
I love How God can restore anybody from anything.
I made an effort to write down the verses I've been reading and what I'm learning from them. It helps me remember what I read about 3 days ago rather than forgetting by the next morning. Plus, the sermon on Wednesday night fit exactly to what I read the night before in Romans 6, and today's Sunday school lesson fit exactly to what I studied about three months ago in 1 Corinthians 13. Staying in the word has given me more strength lately, and I praise God for that. I'm also thankful for how much God has been confirming things to me through scripture and the church.
It's exciting.
I must say, though, that there are still a lot of uncertainties floating around right now which can be scary sometimes. I just hope I don't get discouraged.


--------------------------------

School started on Wednesday. Considering I did most of my core classes last semester, this semester is going to be significantly lighter. Two are wholly spiritual growth classes(which I love very much already), and another is painting. That leaves Government and World History, which are only tough if I don't put any time into them.
I'm thankful for my load this semester.. at least, so far.


-------------------------------

My family went out to take pictures today. I had a use up a current role of film before Tuesday, so my mom suggested going somewhere pretty. She decided on the Great Wolf Lodge. I'd never been before, but it turned out to be fairly nice. Looks like an insanely fun place to stay, but not a whole lot of really good pictures ideas came to mind. I filled up a role and half though, so nothing really to complain about.
oh!
and my parents have been talking to me lately and they've decided that they're going to save up to get me a nicer camera. I'll probably look around to find some deals within $500 or so.
It might be a while, considering our income is slow, but I certainly appreciate the change of mind on their part. :-)
In the mean time, my dad might help me build a website and my mom's looking to help me find an internship with a local photographer. I'm not sure how that will go, considering that takes a little more time and "experience". I may end up having to find any job right now, regardless of what it is, just because I need a better income, especially considering my expenses this spring.
I don't know.. I guess I'll see what happens.

--------------------------------

Prayers would be appreciated(in any area)













Ohh! One more thing!!
Happy three month, Kason!
Ahaha
:-D

I've let myself slip.

Pride, anger, and reliving my past.
Nobody else really had anything to do with it, I kinda brought it all on by myself.
I've said and done things I shouldn't have.
I've hurt some people, and I've hurt myself.
I've become a mess..
I've caused problems. A family member told me this evening that I just caused permanent damage between several people.
I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but it happened.
I wasn't trying to get in trouble, but I did.
I wasn't trying to relive bad memories, but my carelessness caused them to be relived.


I don't want to be negative...
I'd much rather not be upset, but how do I learn if I don't experience humility first?


I'm sorry.
The example I've given has been sucky lately.



I'm going to go talk to God now.

I need a break from the reality of this world.. or at least the stresses of it... or maybe I just need the ability to withstand them better.
I'd like to spend the whole day alone, laying on my bed, and praying until I have nothing left to pray about.

I am in pain.
I'm tired.
and I am spiritually hungry.


I need to go.
I'll post another update.. eventually.


Pray for me.

Change

.
There's something about me that's been a whole lot different lately. I'm not sure if it's the new year, or the realization that some things just aren't worth stressing over. I don't know, but it seems I've been more open lately, like I'm not trying to hide anything, hold anything back, or keep my true personality from being shown. I'm not sure who else has noticed this(if anyone), but I could easily say that I'm not so scared anymore.
While my my and I were considering photography internship jobs for me, she sent an email to our family and school photographer about suggestions. My mom knew I had a flickr account with my photos, so she asked me for the link to send to him. She'd never seen it before herself until after she sent the email last Wednesday. I came back from church and my mom wanted to talk to me about the stuff I had posted, more specifically the descriptions on a few of them that voice my struggles. She never knew what I was have problems with, much less that I was having problems with anything. My mom has been totally oblivious to any of my problems and stresses my entire life unless they came out in some argument. She didn't know I was depressed and scared all 2007, and she didn't know I was upset for the past few months. These problems aren't much of problems anymore now, but it's just funny how she never seemed to figure it out. I seem to have done a pretty good job hiding it. I wasn't trying to, I just don't show my emotions to my family.
This past week, my personality and talents have been a whole lot more evident to my mom. I think her access to my flickr page now has a lot to do with it, but it's not like I'm scared to post something because I know she's going to see or read it. I'm glad that she has a better idea of who I am and what my passions consist of. Who knew that I liked photography so much?? Probably just the people that have seen my work, but she hadn't seen much at all, nor was I willing to show her. I don't know why, but I just didn't want to show her that much. Her seeing those now makes her understand why I really want to learn more and get better. Her reading my communications also lets her know how people have treated me, and how people treat me now. She knows what has upset me, and she knows what has comforted me. I can't assume she understands every little signal, and I can't expect her to know everything about my life, or even half, but it's much better than what it used to be, where everything important she found out about me was through anger.


I've made it a point to be more open this year, and express my inner personality that a lot of people don't see. I'm glad to see it's making progress. It's been a little hard. It wasn't easy to talk to my mom about my page, but it's turned out better. I've gotten over things, I've admitted things, I've grown, and ultimately, other peoples action toward be have been more respectful.. at least some of the time.

Families are difficult, but I am pleased.
God has lead me through...






Oh, by the way, my mom has made a flickr page now. Took her all day because of her lack of computer savviness, but it's weird considering she has never taken part in an internet social or sharing site before. :-O

Rest

Today has been tiring in every way.

Creative Arts in Action had a homeschool swing dance night tonight. I've been a few times before, but not in a while, so I decided to go and bring Kason with me, considering he doesn't know how to dance yet.It turned out to be great! Kason learned a lot, and I apparently made him realize that I *can* dance.. people just don't realize it because I only do it in homeschool dance socials. :-PWe're planning on going to another swing dance lesson at Creative Arts later in March. Until then, I'll help Kason practice.. because he's THAT eager. ;)

After wearing myself out physically, I headed over to Kason's for a while. He showed me a song he composed this afternoon for me. It was supposedly a very soothing song, considering I couldn't fall asleep last night until 6:30 a.m. He took into consideration that I needed something to help me fall asleep, so he wrote me an instrumental song!After resting a bit and lounging around, some old memories came to mind.. ones made near'y two years ago, and some four years ago. They were negative memories that involved family and even strangers. I didn't say much about it, but I became thoughtful of the situations. They are clearly very old memories, but what made them come to mind? What made them that important, and why are they still bringing me down now? I was kinda puzzled, but I felt captivated by my mood. Kason asked why I was upset, but I wasn't sure what to tell him. My mind was too mixed for words. I'm not even sure if I told him anything, but he did his best to help.
The fact is, I'm so insanely emotionally tired of becoming upset over bad memories and fears. They have nearly consumed the past two or three years of my life, and I'm pretty darn tired of letting myself do that. I need rest, emotionally and spiritually. I need a redemption from this mess. It's gone too long..
I'm not sure how he did it, but Kason just kept talking to me as if he was reading my mind. I was without words for probably 30 minutes but he kept talking and comforting me. I broke into silent tears about two or three, but I still didn't say anything. After a while, Kason tells me to do whatever I needed to do to pray about it right then.. outloud, silent, folded hands, whatever. He told me that God wants to take my burdens and throw them away completely. God wants to give me rest, the kind of rest I've needed in my heart for so long. Kason held me in his arms, and I prayed silently to myself. My face was covered, but it felt like my soul was screamed out for some kind of help that only God can give me. Kason was praying too.. I don't know what he said, but I could hear him. He was stroking my hair... All the while, I was crying like a little girl reaching for the arms of her Father.

I've just been so worn out, like I've been running and running for days without sleep. My soul is weary and my heart in tired. I can't take the beating and stresses. How can I stand against future trials if I'm not rested and strong? How can I forgive myself of future regrets if I cannot forgive myself for past mistakes? How can I resist future unreasonable scolding if I can't first overcome past words.

It's fairly simple really.
I'm just so tired, emotionally.
I.. need.. rest.



Lord, grant me peace and a rested heart. I need redemption...





http://www.flickr.com/photos/30743426@N07/3202526301/

Just some thoughts...

.

Freedom.

What is it? How does it feel? How long does it last? How is it embraced??
I don't know about you, but I think freedom is when the thing that keeps you captive no longer has the ability to grab you anymore. The figurative "chains" are broken. The burdens are lifted and destroyed. The kidnapper is locked away. The mistakes and sins are forgiven. Love is restored and revealed. You are completely and utterly free. No worries. No concerns. You are forever free.
That is freedom to me.
What I don't understand is when people say they're free one day, but come back the next all scared and worried. What happened to freedom? What happened to lifting your burdens to God? Did you take it back?? Why?!

I'll admit, I've struggled with this a lot. I've had my fair share of captivity, but it took me so much longer to become free again than it should have, and even now, things hold me down. I've been a prisoner to words, fears, insecurity, and the toughest judge.. myself. I've set up my own bars, and placed my fears so perfectly that it's hard for an outsider to break them. I've found that I can't even break them myself. I can't even overcome myself! I've trapped myself in my own prison and the only way out is by the help of someone higher than myself. I've mixed up emotions of self-pity and pride that I really don't know how to view other people or myself. My head's filled with puzzles and mix-masters that nothing makes sense.
What can I do?? What is there for me, a human, to change?
Absolutely nothing. I've been idle and confused for so long. I tried so hard to break down my own walls but I found more and more behind the corner.
I just can't take it anymore. My effort is a lost cause.
I've just come to realize that this fear is a lost cause too. All these walls and bars and insecurities... do they mean that much? Do I need them? Are they really that crucial? Or maybe they're "Just too hard to overcome...". Maybe I'm "Just too weak".
But who am I to say that? How did I get here? How did I inherit life? Where did I get my hope and how?? Christ is the one that carried my sins. He's the one that withstood the greatest pains, hardships, and ridicules. He made it through, and gave me life. Who the heck am I to say it's "just too hard"?? This is nothing. This is just a petty problem compared to what Christ had to overcome.
This is ridiculous.
I was made free. I was brought to life in Christ. I am set free from the burdens of sin and guilt. Why am I still stuck in the mud of my own pity? It doesn't make sense!

I'm seeking for freedom. I've found that my effort is a lost cause, so I decided that I'm not going to do anything except give all this to Christ. I'm returning home, and I'll talk to Him. I am that prodigal son. I'll fall on the floor with my face to the ground if I have to.. but this has got to all go to Christ. I can't handle it. I can't even try it anymore. I've hit the bottom of the bottom-less pit. This is it. I am done. This is Christ's situation now. It is not of my concern anymore. I don't do this because it's "just too hard". Yes, it is higher than my abilities, but giving it to Christ alone takes strength.. every single bit I have, because even though I'm giving it up, I have to have faith that it will be handled and I don't worry about it. I have to have faith that those chains will be broken, and I will become free from captivity. But that's what it takes, and I'll do it.
Christ is with me.
I WILL NOT BE A PRISONER ANYMORE!





FATHER! TAKE THESE CHAINS AND SHATTER THEM!!!
Take this heart and mend it...

Unto You I put my trust...


~Katie

First post of the year!

.

Sorry it took me so long to update. I kinda sorta forgot to! :-O
By bad...


So it's a new year, eh? Time for "starting over" and trying to succeed at New Year's Resolutions that truly never will be succeeded.I've read several people's blogs about 2008 and it's pros and cons, and their goals for 2009. I found it kind of interesting so I'll write one here.


Best and Worst!


Worst:
- Struggling endlessly with writing and English classes. Painfully failed poetry with a D, and didn't do well on my first essay of the fall semester.
- Faced issues with close friends that brought me down with their problems
- Managed to break or strongly disable two cameras
- Had many fights with the fam.
- Had a close friend rushed to the hospital.. same night I was in a fight with the fam.
- Had serious emotional problems during Mission New Orleans. (Came through eventually, but some days were off)
- Had my prom date drop out on me
- Had 3 1/2 weeks of SAT classes during the summer, which only decreased my score.
- Got a horrible sunburn at Six Flags in San Antonio on August 1st.. which can still be seen to this day.
- Struggled with the possibility that my family would move overseas.
- Broke one of my original new years resolutions.
- Fell into rotten temptation. Did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of.
- Was lied to by someone for awhile, which also made me lie to myself. Big whole mess.Long story. Physically and emotionally beat up many times.
- Lost some friends
- Still didn't get a job yet.
- And last, the constant struggle of overwhelming fear.


Best:
- I got the chance to go on THREE mission trips.. New Orleans, Mexico, and San Antonio.. where I was a chaperon for middle schoolers. I also revisited my 8th grade mission trip VBS site.
- Witnessed lives get saved and adoration to God being expressed through song in 2 different languages in unison(very cool).
- Two of my cousins started coming to church with me right after new years of 08. Both either became Christians or recommitted their lives to Christ, and both were baptized.
- Three of my cousin's friends visited church one day too. All three gave their lives to Christ.
- Met The Wedding live at our church for d-now, and found out our band leader was joining them. :-O
- Visited FBC Watauga for d-now also. Awesomest sermons ever...very life changing. Found those same sermon recordings on youtube last week. I freaked.
- Turned 16. Didn't get my license for 8 more months, but I got in eventually!
- Met a buttload of new people. Lots of new friends.
- Watched the youth group at Glenview grow as youth ministers came and left. The body of believers stayed strong, and I saw God move in us.
- Realized more and more God's faithfulness, especially in time of need. God healed my heart, and still continues to do so.
- God provided friends and family that are an utter blessing to me and my relationship with Him.
- God used each burden and trouble in my heart and turned it around so I could become stronger. He showed me His endless glory.
- God brought me back home after I strayed. I came back broken and dirty, but I was made new again.
- I overcame my fear of talking to people about my problems or emotions. I opened an over
-packed bottle of secrets, anger, sadness, and even joy. I was set free! I let nothing stay held back.
- This holiday season has been the best in forever. Family is closer together, and moments are cherished rather than physical gifts.
- Pursued art and photography a little bit more as I try a lot of new things.
- God blessed me with Kason, my first real relationship. It's mind blowing to be with someone who acknowledges my flaws and bruises and stays patient with me as I continue to heal, and even helps me grow closer to Christ through my struggles instead of pull me away.
- and last, God has simply blown me away with an amazing year. It had it's immeasurably tough times, but what God did and how He showed himself to me every single day surpassed everything that could have possibly made the year a tragedy.

It's pretty clear that every negative thing that happened was eventually overcome by God and his glory. Times got tough and faith was lost, but it was always restored one way or another, if it's not in the restoration process right now. I'm thankful for such a blessed year full of steps and learning. I couldn't have gone without it.


Now, goals for 2009.....
- Get a job. Pay for what I need to and start saving for.. college?
- Succeed farther in arts in photography. Painting and photography classes this semester.. very excited.
- Somehow, someway, get a professional digital camera. I think that's the one material thing I want with a passion. Hah.
- Restart an unspoken resolution from last year.. and actually succeed(this is important, very very important!).
- Grow stronger in my daily walk with God. Become more resistant to temptations.
- Spend more time with God and strive daily for a better understanding of the Word.
- Become a stronger leader. Do harder things and make bigger sacrifices for God's kingdom.
- Make better grades! Starting senior year in the fall.. lets not get D's anymore!
- Grow more confident in myself, seeing as how I have very little.
- Grow even more closer to family.
- And last, just be able to take every situation in my life, big or small, good or bad, and use it to understand God more, bring Him glory, and change my lifestyle for the better.



Yep.
I may add on later as I remember more.

Blessed Christmas....

Today is Christmas(at least, it was 32 minutes ago)...

I must say, this year has probably been one of the best Christmases in the very long time. I've always had good Christmases, but I had nothing to remember them by. I don't remember much from last year other than a few parties and dropping off oranges at the police department on the evening of Christmas. What made it special to me though? What kind of mark did it leave? Heck, I probably can't even tell you what I got last year..

Every year, my parents tell me its not going to be a big Christmas(gift-wise), yet I'm still always blessed. I know my parents really try to stress how serious they are, but either they're being defeated, or their idea of giving gifts to us is far beyond my expectations. I wouldn't say I got my number one listed item, but I have been blessed, no matter what I got. I seems as if physical possessions don't mean all that much to me right now. All the worries and issues I've had this year were far from being tangible, so my general mindset is already on non-tangible things.
But, anyways, This Christmas has been *significantly* different than previous years. A couple days ago, I was talking to Kason about the meaning of Christmas and importance of talking to family about the meaning of the gospel. Behind all the gaudy Christmas signs and jolly santa suites there's a much deeper meaning that too many people neglect, even as Christians. I think one of the reasons this year has been so quick and different was that I didn't take much time to get into the holiday as it was provided by stores and media, but rather in fellowship with family and friends. A fake holiday passes by slow and meaninglessly, but a season celebrating Christ's first love passes by quickly, packed with sentiments and legacies. Sure, it was fast, but that's what made it special.
Michelle's boyfriend, Edgar, stayed with us since Tuesday(he and Michelle are leaving for El Paso in a few hours). It was definitely different to have another person in the house for Christmas, but it was also a great opportunity to get to know him better too. I visited with some relatives on Tuesday night that I haven't seen since last Christmas. The fellowship and laughter was added comfort. :-)
Last night, my family(Ed included) went to Pizza Hut for Christmas Eve dinner (as tradition calls for) and looked at Christian lights. Kason joined us for Christian-light looking. Overall, my family had a great time looking at lights together. The extra fellowship with Ed and Kason made it a whole lot more cheerful, even for my mom. :-D
We all went home after that and watched The Christmas Story on tv(which none of us had seen) and continued our fellowship. Not to mention, Kason gave me his christmas gift to me, which was.. really cool(which is a blatant underestimating). Later in the evening, my mom invited Kason and his family over for Christmas dinner(although, his parents decided to stay home, so just Kason came. I was a little in shock to hear such an invitation coming from my mom toward someone unrelated to us... on HOLIDAY at that, but it was a pleasant surprise to say the least. My grandparents joined us for dinner as well(like usual). After a while of talking, my family decided to watch my moms new movie "Mamma Mia". Originally, my grandparents would leave after a movie if the conversations were boring enough, but my mom suggested Kason play some guitar for us. The next thing I knew, the entire family was singing Amazing Grace, including my grandmother... who never sings. :-)

I honestly don't know what happened. My whole family was in a wonderful mood today, and the things that normally make a holiday feel like a holiday ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
It was wonderful.
I am very blessed...


Ahh...
God is wonderful. I thank Him for sending His son.
:-)



shall post pictures later.....

Strength vs. Weakness

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassing great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me
"My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.

-----

As I've posted plenty enough times before, fear has been a struggle in me lately, which later causes weakness. I'm coming to realize that during the whole process of heartache, I pleaded to God over and over again to calm my fear and take the pain away, but still I was being hurt. There were times I was upset and depressed, and there were times I was downright angry and irrationally tense. I can say that I've gone through a great deal of healing as of late, but when I look at it now, I can see how hard I was hit and how much it affected my attitude and strength. I became utterly weak. It was pitiful.

I've recently been questioning who I am and what my worth is. I don't mean to sound depressing and demeaning, but it really was a question that struck my mind to find out. I'll be honest, it leaves an odd physical preasure on my chest to know. I wasn't sure where to look though.. in the Bible, that is. I was kind of confused. Despite being somewhat lost, something kept tugging me to read Romans. I'm not even sure how many times I was reminded of the book, but it kept coming to my attention, so I decided to start reading.
After a couple days of studying(a little bit at a time), I came across a list of verses I got in Sunday school several weeks ago. Each verse had an example of who were are in Christ. Seeing as how 1 of the 3 pages was only verses from Romans, I found it very beneficial to the current situation. After reading through the list of verses, there was one that stuck out to me, which oddly enough was not from Romans, but the verse I typed above.

I think I've kinda picked up the concept that hardships make you stronger, but I never really gave it much thought considering I haven't always had to deal with my strongest weaknesses all that much. I can definitely say that I've become very weak, and that I've faced a lot of struggles and trials, but it's taken me a while to realize that I will get stronger, and I will gain wisdom from it all. I had the general mindset that I was broken to pieces that will take a long time to mend back together. Now, even though it's still going to take a while to completely heal, I've come to realize that not only am I healing now, but I am also being rebuilt stronger and more stable. I've been blessed with how much more I can understand now. Even despite all the traumatizing, I can confidently say that I am made stronger. Also as a result, I have gained a more humble spirit. I didn't realize how prideful I was until I came to understand that what I valued most was not Christ at all. I became full of what I had, and who I was, that I lost part of my humbleness to my devouring pride that eventually just forced it all to be stripped away.

I thank God now for it all; My pride, my valuables being taken away, the pain I went through, and heartache and weakness that brought me to my lowest point, and I thank God that I can learn something from it, and that I can gain humbleness rather than depression and anger now.
It was hard for a long time.. too long, in fact, but I understand now. I am blessed.

-----

1 Corinthians 13: 9-12

For we know in part and we prophecy in part,
but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became man, I put childish ways beind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection in the mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Oh, that's tough..

.

I remembered earlier this year, maybe around the beginning of summer, going through some kind of challenge in my life. I don't remember the specific situation, but I was convicted of what I was laying in my life as highest priority.
I asked God to strip anything from me that I put before him. I was kinda scared of where I was at the time, but I had just enough faith to pull myself to ask God for something like that.
Several months passed...
I wasn't sure that it would ever happen. There was a time in my life when I convinced that nothing major would ever hurt me. I thought I had a very strong heart, and was able to endure any kind of "heartbreak". I don't know what I had in me.... ignorance? pride? I don't know...

There was one thing I held so much higher than everything else, and it was certainly not God. I held it so tightly. I subconsciously molded myself to fit my desires because I treasured them so much. I always thought it the back of my mind to "always put God first" and I prayed for God to "strip them away", but I never seriously thought that it would happen, and I never really took actions to put God back ahead of everything else. I just went along with myself.. which I found was very foolish of me.

Sure enough, after many months, when I had almost completely been devoured by my pleasured, God answered that prayer. Everything I held dear was stripped away, with impressing force, I must say. All that ignorance and pride went away, and I found myself in a pit of confusion, heartache, and loneliness. I tried to get it back.. I tried very hard, but it kept coming back and hitting me over and over again. I finally understood what I did.. all the wrongs and sins and misconceptions.
Lowest time of my life.

I briefly talking to a youth leader at church the day after it all happened. I tried so hard to fight back tears as I explained that "The thing I put before Christ was stripped from me.. just as I asked God to do several months ago..". She followed by some short encouragement.. than began singing.. "When you call of Jesus.. All things are possible!...".
I was reminded of that day this evening. As much as I get caught up in my own fear, I don't take much time to notice that all that pain I had to go through was intended to help me grow, and help me realize how incredibly faithful God is.. and how he's never going to fail to show me what truth really is. Considering I was deceived in many ways, I wasn't sure what to believe, and I wasn't sure what to expect next. I was utterly lost.

I'll be honest.. I've become kinda bitter. It doesn't show a lot, but when I'm reminded of what hurt me the most, fear kind of consumed me and my normally confident attitude becomes nearly two inches tall in a matter of seconds. When I get to the point where I feel like I can finally move on, something else comes back.
For example.. I found out this evening that I was cheated on two months ago. As much as I wish I didn't care at all, considering I'm very happy where I am now, I can't help but become a little upset over it. Once again, I can feel pain again, and uneasiness. I'm not sure what to do about it. What am I to do? The choices are limited, but I decided to try to let it pass. It's about time I stop getting scared about everything, and really rely on God. Having something stripped from me a while back is no excuse to be afraid now, right? God never intends permanent harm. All pain is initiated in order to help me grow in wisdom and strength. As far as I'm concerned, I've learned a buttload of stuff in the past few months.. more than I've ever taken in at a time. It's really overwhelming at times, but I must say... this is a huge blessing to me. God's been so faithful to me, even when I continue to be scared.
Someone gave me a verse today for encouragement, and it just reminded me that when the Holy Spirit enters me, I am no longer a slave to fear.
Hmm... Yeah, I'm pretty kick-butt scared a lot, what does that mean? I kinda came to a conclusion that I'm not filling myself with Christ enough. God's been teaching me all this stuff, and being very faithful to me, but I have not been faithful to Christ in return, and I'm just now realizing my famished soul that has been feeding off of fear and answers that only come from humans.. which ultimately can not answer my questions.

*sigh*

This blog seems to be more of a diary entry than anything else.

I'm not sure where I'm going. All I know and that I want to get over this fear and cling to Christ. It's about time I start running full-force toward my father like a crying kid who's been lost in the mall for hours on end.



....







Let's go!




Pray for my journey...
.

Wow...

I just subconsciously put myself through the ultimate test of fear.


There is one thing lately that really has the capability of derailing my strength, and that's being completely surrounded by contradicting truths and lies written right before my eyes and running through my head. The lies are not old, they are only a couple months old.. fresh, yet rotten.
This happened to me a few days ago.. I was surrounded completely, and I lost it. I couldn't breath. I tried to get a grip, but it slipped. I broke down in tears. I stepped back, sat on my bed, and opened the Bible for something.. anything. God calmed me, and spoke to me in peace. I became quite and thoughtful(whole other story though).

Tonight, I put myself in the same situation.. I knew very well what I was going to see and what was going to go through my mind, yet I still went for it. I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was a silly act to do, but surprisingly I didn't freak. I didn't even become upset. I was a little uncomfortable, but sure enough it was achievable. I became weary of what I was seeing, but it was not the kind of weary that makes you upset and broken.. it was the kind that makes you feel sick to the stomach to see, and just make you feel thankful that it's not a huge part of your life anymore. I considered the situation, and was reminded that what I have now is all I need. I may be broken and hurting every now and then, but I don't need an apology to function. My life does not rest in some other human's response.
I can move on. It's going to be hard sometimes, but God has blessed me. God would not give me an obstacle that was unachievable. No promises of easiness, but there is a promise for a revolution.
Thank you Jesus.



"YOU SET ME FREE!!"

*and eyes water with joy*

Whole?

Apparently I'm a lot weaker than I thought I was.

If you were to ask anyone what the greatest weakness and sensitive area was, it would probably be past "relationships". As much as I hate to admit that I've been hurt by a guy, I have to say I have, and apparently that's left a big dent on how fearful and fragile I am.
I think the best part about this is that it's made me much more willing to talk to anyone about my struggles, even on blogger, however it takes it's negative role when some of the smallest things become capable of shattering my emotional self control.

I'll be honest, I've been scared lately. Not a whole lot, but fairly often. I'm scared of being hurt emotionally and physically. As much as I want to solve friendship problems between me and my previous "interest", I'm scared out of my mind, which apparently has caused some concerns in Kason and one of my other friends.
When I was at church this morning between services, I glanced at a person that looked like my previous interest. After a double-take, I realized it wasn't him, but I followed by freaking out, nearly to tears. I'm not sure why though. I thought that I had been healed, but all of a sudden I felt like I was being beaten up again. I walked upstairs to the loft, and LeighAnn asked what was wrong. Apparently the fear had shown in my face, but I continued to say I was just fine. As much as I enjoyed church this morning, I was not in my best mood considering my fear and insecurities.
I went home, cleaned the house a little, and took a nap. I felt more clear-minded later.
Kason invited me over to his house for a little while. I explained to him my fears a few days ago, but I talked to him about it again today, seeing as how I haven't been on best terms with my confidence. Kason assured me it was going to be ok, and promised to not let anything happen to me. I thought about how Biblical love and promises have been expressed to me lately, then I thought about how I saw them several months ago, which wasn't much biblical truth at all, consider it was all broken. Through the past few weeks, I've been slowly picking up my pieces to become whole again, with a huge lesson learned with each piece. What I've learned a lot this week is that Biblical faithfulness is never broken, and always assures truth and safety. Unfortunately, with all my piling fears, I've been growing uncertain of faithfulness, and wondering if it even resides in human at all. As much as man will never be able to grasp it completely, God promises safety to me, and He is much more faithful and true than anyone else will ever be.
It came to me in a revelation.. I am safe. I trust God to keep me safe and orchestrate the issues however they need to go. And as much as I have recurring fears that my past will repeat, I have to trust that there will be a change, and that I am willing to accept it and challenge it.
All the while realizing this, I broke into tears right there in Kason's arms. It really is neat to have a physical person there to hold you like a small child. It kinda makes the whole "God holding me always" thing feel much more real. :-)

So, with all that said, I'm healing, and gradually becoming whole again.
I'm so thankful for my faithful Jesus.
It really is a remarkable love to follow.





Pray for stength in me.

It's hit me...

I've been contemplating posting about this for a while now, but I always decided to wait.
But, I've gotten to the point where all questioning as been answered, just as God always promised me...
So, I decided to finally blog about this...


Monday is Kason and I's "one month anniversary". We became close friends about early to mid October, when we realized that we had a lot of struggles in common, such as secrets, lust, masks, false guilt, etc. Talking to eachother a lot really brought out our true selves. We got to the point where our friendship became very beneficial because we encouraged eachother to overcome our guilts and struggles. Most of all, we both had to realize that we, as Christians, are ultimately forgiven and our sins are never held against us, purely because of God's love.
At the end of October, we both realized that our friendship was creating in each of us a stronger relationship with Christ, as well as family. At this same time, we spoke a lot about what truth and love is. After much analyzing and reading God's word, we began to grow more love for people, such as friends, family, and romance. At this time, we had already showed interest in eachother, however we didn't intend to make any actions upon it right away. However we did take some time to realize that before getting in a serious relationship, one needs to already love the other person to a certain degree. For me, I have to love that person enough to feel confident that it will someday lead to marriage, seeing as how that's the main reason for dating. Kason voiced to me his opinion, and it made sense right away. After much praying and pondering, Kason decided to ask my dad permission to date me. My dad approved, which was glorious!
Now, I'll be honest, I entered this relationship with a huge amount of fear hidden inside me. I've had another guy promise all these "good" stuff to me for several months. He told me he loved me and he also promised to never hurt me, and through all that he pressed hard to make sure I believed him. After just a few months, he turned away, and took everything back - all the love, all the promises, all the care. He followed by hurting and lying to be continuously, and lacking any care whatsoever that he was doing so. I don't mean to express anger or bitterness toward that person, but I just want to give you an idea of how fearful I really was of lies and deceit. I didn't show my fear on the outside, and even when digging deep, my fear my not visible. I didn't even realize that I was so scared until my fear was tested.

When Kason and I began our relationship, I felt generally safe. I knew Kason well enough to know that he wouldn't hurt me and that he would actually care for me. Getting to know him as a close friend really gave me a chance to get to know who he really is without partiality hindering, and I trusted him.. more so than I do most other guys.
Two days after we started dating, Kason and I went to the mall so I could drop off some applications(as I posted in a previous blog). We followed by eating somewhere, and spending some time at the park near his house(while it was dark and rainy, I might add). After talking at the park for awhile, Kason told me he loved me.
Knowing me(and him), I don't take those three words lightly at all. As you may have realized in a previous blog I posted about what love is, you can tell that I'm pretty serious about it, and so is he. So him telling me that was huge for me. I was in shock more than anything else, and I had a slight bit of disbelief too because we had only been dating two days. I'll be rash though, I had given it a lot of thought and prayer too. God had been showing me a lot about what love is and what it should be. God has given me more affirmation than I even needed(whole other story though), so... I told Kason I loved him in return. He didn't expect that at all, but it was calming, nonetheless.
I've been really shy to admit my feelings toward him to other people lately, and afraid to say something, even though I wanted to. I was just a little bit too scared, and I was stilling holding a bit of fear that it was all a lie. There were several times when I would be talking to Kason and all of a sudden I would get upset and scared. I would lay humility upon myself and begin to feel guilt and unworthiness for anything. I felt horrible for what I've done in the past. I felt unworthy of being with Kason, and I was just flat out scared that someday all the stuff what was told to me would be taken back. Every time, though, Kason would tell me that he wouldn't lie to me. He tried to the best of his ability to comfort me, and show me some truth that was easier the grasp, such as God's unfailing love for me. Even though I would be relatively fine after a while of talking, I apparently still held some fear that continued until now.
I was driving Kason home this evening after Sonlight's end-of-semester program, and all of a sudden, I could hear voices and lies running through my head that I had heard before from my previous "relationship". I became upset, once again, and fearful. Kason realized I was upset, and prodded for a reason, but I had none, because I wasn't entirely sure what was going on with me at the time. As I was driving home, rage and fear filled me, and I was driving about 20 mph over the speed limit, until all of a sudden humility struck me, and I slowed down until I was about 5 under. I maintained that speed, and sat in silence, without much going through my head. Everything seemed to be in slow-motion now, and quiet. I wanted to cry, and I wanted some truth, but I felt humiliated that I've been so fearful that I can't even pull myself to come back to God to show me some truth and comfort.
I arrived at home, and received an IM from Kason asking once again what was troubling me. I finally admitted that I was scared of lies, and explained my reason further. He responded by telling me he wouldn't lie, and told me everything was going to be fine. I asked him how he knew that..
God always provides, he said. He gives us what we need, and does not lie or deceive us, and from all the stuff that has been given to Kason and I for a clear answer, I had every reason to believe it was true, but I still did not feel 100% confident because of fear.
I took some time to pray. At that time, I had already broke down into tears. I was so weak and hopeless, and really didn't want to go anywhere else for answers, so I asked God about the situation. I asked for some truth and comfort, and wanted come clarification to what needed to happen. God spoke to me, and reminded me what love is, which is faithful, true, obedient, patient, caring, and not easily angered, and it's all proven by God through his own sacrifice and love for me. I felt safe again, and calm. I thought to myself, I have no reason to believe that Kason is being untruthful to me. He has proven himself to love me in every way I believe in, yet I still held back. I wanted so bad to believe him 100% but I couldn't.
But tonight, after praying, I felt safe.. really safe. I didn't feel like I was being deceived, and I actually felt genuinely loved, by God and by Kason, which is bizarre because Kason told me he prayed that I would finally realize the love that was true this evening.

So, now I can say, positively, that Kason loves me, and I love Kason.
Just as my father Jesus loves me, and I love him (Only slightly less exaggerated.. because it's GOD and all..).
I don't deserve God's love, or Kason's love, but I've come to a realization that I need it, especially Christ's, but that's what love is.. a need, but a need that I am not worthy of.



Once again, God is faithful.
but that's what love is. ;)





Feel free to ask questions or comment. I don't seem to get them often. *shrug*

Randomosity Update

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Finals week! *scream!*

Due tomorrow:
Brit Lit - Finish essay. Done.
World History - Short quiz - Not done yet, but should only take a few minutes. I take home a final, which I assume I mail back by the end of the week.
Electing the President. - NO homework. Praise Jesus. But, I think there's a pop quiz in class tomorrow. My mom told me the secret..*shh*. I'm not worried. It's a silly quiz, because I have a silly teacher. :-P
Government - Turn in final exam and final report. I've done the final, but not the report. I'm doomed to bomb the report, because it's supposed to be written about a council meeting I had to look up and attend. I didn't know this until recently, so obviously I never got the chance to go to one.. Who knows what'll happen with that.
Painting - no homework, obviously. I'll frame my current two paintings in class tomorrow for the end of semester program on Thursday night. Yay!
Kickboxing - gotta write a fitness assessment report for the whole semester. Shouldn't be too hard. She's not grading grammar and such. It's just filling up at least two pages with words for a final grade.
Goodyyy. :-)
Bowling - Finish final exam and turn in Saturday morning. Not too hard.


Other than school, I'm doing alright. I'm kind of in a dilemma with a friend whom I think is trying to avoid having any contact with me whatsoever, which disappoints me to no end, but I've done all I can do.
But, if by some insanely crazy chance you're reading this and you're that particular friend(you'll know who you are), than just know that I'm not going back on my word. I've never lied to you, and I won't break a promise now. I'm still open for friendship, if you just open the door and stop hiding. Otherwise just tell me the truth so I know.

*sigh*
I need patience.
But, I must consider the benefits....

I was thinking last night about the current situation, and God kinda showed me something I don't normally ponder about...
I'm trying to restore a friendship I lost. I've done all I can. I never lied. I stayed true to my word, but that person chooses to block me out completely for selfish reasons. I'm hurt by it, I'll be honest. I've spoken as much as I can, but I get no response. All I can do is wait for that person to realize his/her actions. I'm willing to do all I can to restore this, but at this point, it's all up to a response.
Likewise...
God's always been faithful to me. He's loved me unceasingly, and never fails his promise. However sometimes I'll go my own way and do my own thing, and subconsciously block out God completely. I don't talk to him, and I don't respond when he speaks. I get lost in my own life and desires and lose sight of Him. God is undoubtedly saddened that I turn away, and as much as He may try to get my attention back and initiate a relationship, I have to respond, but I'm too caught up in myself to care. Ultimately, I'm shunning my relationship with God and putting the one thing that is most valuable to me on the back burner. Does that please God? Does that help me grow? of course not..
Now, I'm not trying to compare myself to God, and I'm not at all saying that my friend must be friends with me in return in order to succeed in life, however I am saying that God used this situation to speak to me about my faults.
I don't always struggle with this in such extremes as to block out God completely, but it does speak to me about the small things, such as faithfulness, prayer, and my relationship with God. Without all those things, I am pointless. I am nothing. God is the only one that gives me life and joy and sometimes I loose what makes me alive by indulging in my own concerns and desires.


Hmm...
I love how God can speak to me like that.
It just proves His faithfulness more, eh?
Yesss

I'm gunna change.