Whole?

Apparently I'm a lot weaker than I thought I was.

If you were to ask anyone what the greatest weakness and sensitive area was, it would probably be past "relationships". As much as I hate to admit that I've been hurt by a guy, I have to say I have, and apparently that's left a big dent on how fearful and fragile I am.
I think the best part about this is that it's made me much more willing to talk to anyone about my struggles, even on blogger, however it takes it's negative role when some of the smallest things become capable of shattering my emotional self control.

I'll be honest, I've been scared lately. Not a whole lot, but fairly often. I'm scared of being hurt emotionally and physically. As much as I want to solve friendship problems between me and my previous "interest", I'm scared out of my mind, which apparently has caused some concerns in Kason and one of my other friends.
When I was at church this morning between services, I glanced at a person that looked like my previous interest. After a double-take, I realized it wasn't him, but I followed by freaking out, nearly to tears. I'm not sure why though. I thought that I had been healed, but all of a sudden I felt like I was being beaten up again. I walked upstairs to the loft, and LeighAnn asked what was wrong. Apparently the fear had shown in my face, but I continued to say I was just fine. As much as I enjoyed church this morning, I was not in my best mood considering my fear and insecurities.
I went home, cleaned the house a little, and took a nap. I felt more clear-minded later.
Kason invited me over to his house for a little while. I explained to him my fears a few days ago, but I talked to him about it again today, seeing as how I haven't been on best terms with my confidence. Kason assured me it was going to be ok, and promised to not let anything happen to me. I thought about how Biblical love and promises have been expressed to me lately, then I thought about how I saw them several months ago, which wasn't much biblical truth at all, consider it was all broken. Through the past few weeks, I've been slowly picking up my pieces to become whole again, with a huge lesson learned with each piece. What I've learned a lot this week is that Biblical faithfulness is never broken, and always assures truth and safety. Unfortunately, with all my piling fears, I've been growing uncertain of faithfulness, and wondering if it even resides in human at all. As much as man will never be able to grasp it completely, God promises safety to me, and He is much more faithful and true than anyone else will ever be.
It came to me in a revelation.. I am safe. I trust God to keep me safe and orchestrate the issues however they need to go. And as much as I have recurring fears that my past will repeat, I have to trust that there will be a change, and that I am willing to accept it and challenge it.
All the while realizing this, I broke into tears right there in Kason's arms. It really is neat to have a physical person there to hold you like a small child. It kinda makes the whole "God holding me always" thing feel much more real. :-)

So, with all that said, I'm healing, and gradually becoming whole again.
I'm so thankful for my faithful Jesus.
It really is a remarkable love to follow.





Pray for stength in me.