Oh, that's tough..

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I remembered earlier this year, maybe around the beginning of summer, going through some kind of challenge in my life. I don't remember the specific situation, but I was convicted of what I was laying in my life as highest priority.
I asked God to strip anything from me that I put before him. I was kinda scared of where I was at the time, but I had just enough faith to pull myself to ask God for something like that.
Several months passed...
I wasn't sure that it would ever happen. There was a time in my life when I convinced that nothing major would ever hurt me. I thought I had a very strong heart, and was able to endure any kind of "heartbreak". I don't know what I had in me.... ignorance? pride? I don't know...

There was one thing I held so much higher than everything else, and it was certainly not God. I held it so tightly. I subconsciously molded myself to fit my desires because I treasured them so much. I always thought it the back of my mind to "always put God first" and I prayed for God to "strip them away", but I never seriously thought that it would happen, and I never really took actions to put God back ahead of everything else. I just went along with myself.. which I found was very foolish of me.

Sure enough, after many months, when I had almost completely been devoured by my pleasured, God answered that prayer. Everything I held dear was stripped away, with impressing force, I must say. All that ignorance and pride went away, and I found myself in a pit of confusion, heartache, and loneliness. I tried to get it back.. I tried very hard, but it kept coming back and hitting me over and over again. I finally understood what I did.. all the wrongs and sins and misconceptions.
Lowest time of my life.

I briefly talking to a youth leader at church the day after it all happened. I tried so hard to fight back tears as I explained that "The thing I put before Christ was stripped from me.. just as I asked God to do several months ago..". She followed by some short encouragement.. than began singing.. "When you call of Jesus.. All things are possible!...".
I was reminded of that day this evening. As much as I get caught up in my own fear, I don't take much time to notice that all that pain I had to go through was intended to help me grow, and help me realize how incredibly faithful God is.. and how he's never going to fail to show me what truth really is. Considering I was deceived in many ways, I wasn't sure what to believe, and I wasn't sure what to expect next. I was utterly lost.

I'll be honest.. I've become kinda bitter. It doesn't show a lot, but when I'm reminded of what hurt me the most, fear kind of consumed me and my normally confident attitude becomes nearly two inches tall in a matter of seconds. When I get to the point where I feel like I can finally move on, something else comes back.
For example.. I found out this evening that I was cheated on two months ago. As much as I wish I didn't care at all, considering I'm very happy where I am now, I can't help but become a little upset over it. Once again, I can feel pain again, and uneasiness. I'm not sure what to do about it. What am I to do? The choices are limited, but I decided to try to let it pass. It's about time I stop getting scared about everything, and really rely on God. Having something stripped from me a while back is no excuse to be afraid now, right? God never intends permanent harm. All pain is initiated in order to help me grow in wisdom and strength. As far as I'm concerned, I've learned a buttload of stuff in the past few months.. more than I've ever taken in at a time. It's really overwhelming at times, but I must say... this is a huge blessing to me. God's been so faithful to me, even when I continue to be scared.
Someone gave me a verse today for encouragement, and it just reminded me that when the Holy Spirit enters me, I am no longer a slave to fear.
Hmm... Yeah, I'm pretty kick-butt scared a lot, what does that mean? I kinda came to a conclusion that I'm not filling myself with Christ enough. God's been teaching me all this stuff, and being very faithful to me, but I have not been faithful to Christ in return, and I'm just now realizing my famished soul that has been feeding off of fear and answers that only come from humans.. which ultimately can not answer my questions.

*sigh*

This blog seems to be more of a diary entry than anything else.

I'm not sure where I'm going. All I know and that I want to get over this fear and cling to Christ. It's about time I start running full-force toward my father like a crying kid who's been lost in the mall for hours on end.



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Let's go!




Pray for my journey...
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