It's hit me...

I've been contemplating posting about this for a while now, but I always decided to wait.
But, I've gotten to the point where all questioning as been answered, just as God always promised me...
So, I decided to finally blog about this...


Monday is Kason and I's "one month anniversary". We became close friends about early to mid October, when we realized that we had a lot of struggles in common, such as secrets, lust, masks, false guilt, etc. Talking to eachother a lot really brought out our true selves. We got to the point where our friendship became very beneficial because we encouraged eachother to overcome our guilts and struggles. Most of all, we both had to realize that we, as Christians, are ultimately forgiven and our sins are never held against us, purely because of God's love.
At the end of October, we both realized that our friendship was creating in each of us a stronger relationship with Christ, as well as family. At this same time, we spoke a lot about what truth and love is. After much analyzing and reading God's word, we began to grow more love for people, such as friends, family, and romance. At this time, we had already showed interest in eachother, however we didn't intend to make any actions upon it right away. However we did take some time to realize that before getting in a serious relationship, one needs to already love the other person to a certain degree. For me, I have to love that person enough to feel confident that it will someday lead to marriage, seeing as how that's the main reason for dating. Kason voiced to me his opinion, and it made sense right away. After much praying and pondering, Kason decided to ask my dad permission to date me. My dad approved, which was glorious!
Now, I'll be honest, I entered this relationship with a huge amount of fear hidden inside me. I've had another guy promise all these "good" stuff to me for several months. He told me he loved me and he also promised to never hurt me, and through all that he pressed hard to make sure I believed him. After just a few months, he turned away, and took everything back - all the love, all the promises, all the care. He followed by hurting and lying to be continuously, and lacking any care whatsoever that he was doing so. I don't mean to express anger or bitterness toward that person, but I just want to give you an idea of how fearful I really was of lies and deceit. I didn't show my fear on the outside, and even when digging deep, my fear my not visible. I didn't even realize that I was so scared until my fear was tested.

When Kason and I began our relationship, I felt generally safe. I knew Kason well enough to know that he wouldn't hurt me and that he would actually care for me. Getting to know him as a close friend really gave me a chance to get to know who he really is without partiality hindering, and I trusted him.. more so than I do most other guys.
Two days after we started dating, Kason and I went to the mall so I could drop off some applications(as I posted in a previous blog). We followed by eating somewhere, and spending some time at the park near his house(while it was dark and rainy, I might add). After talking at the park for awhile, Kason told me he loved me.
Knowing me(and him), I don't take those three words lightly at all. As you may have realized in a previous blog I posted about what love is, you can tell that I'm pretty serious about it, and so is he. So him telling me that was huge for me. I was in shock more than anything else, and I had a slight bit of disbelief too because we had only been dating two days. I'll be rash though, I had given it a lot of thought and prayer too. God had been showing me a lot about what love is and what it should be. God has given me more affirmation than I even needed(whole other story though), so... I told Kason I loved him in return. He didn't expect that at all, but it was calming, nonetheless.
I've been really shy to admit my feelings toward him to other people lately, and afraid to say something, even though I wanted to. I was just a little bit too scared, and I was stilling holding a bit of fear that it was all a lie. There were several times when I would be talking to Kason and all of a sudden I would get upset and scared. I would lay humility upon myself and begin to feel guilt and unworthiness for anything. I felt horrible for what I've done in the past. I felt unworthy of being with Kason, and I was just flat out scared that someday all the stuff what was told to me would be taken back. Every time, though, Kason would tell me that he wouldn't lie to me. He tried to the best of his ability to comfort me, and show me some truth that was easier the grasp, such as God's unfailing love for me. Even though I would be relatively fine after a while of talking, I apparently still held some fear that continued until now.
I was driving Kason home this evening after Sonlight's end-of-semester program, and all of a sudden, I could hear voices and lies running through my head that I had heard before from my previous "relationship". I became upset, once again, and fearful. Kason realized I was upset, and prodded for a reason, but I had none, because I wasn't entirely sure what was going on with me at the time. As I was driving home, rage and fear filled me, and I was driving about 20 mph over the speed limit, until all of a sudden humility struck me, and I slowed down until I was about 5 under. I maintained that speed, and sat in silence, without much going through my head. Everything seemed to be in slow-motion now, and quiet. I wanted to cry, and I wanted some truth, but I felt humiliated that I've been so fearful that I can't even pull myself to come back to God to show me some truth and comfort.
I arrived at home, and received an IM from Kason asking once again what was troubling me. I finally admitted that I was scared of lies, and explained my reason further. He responded by telling me he wouldn't lie, and told me everything was going to be fine. I asked him how he knew that..
God always provides, he said. He gives us what we need, and does not lie or deceive us, and from all the stuff that has been given to Kason and I for a clear answer, I had every reason to believe it was true, but I still did not feel 100% confident because of fear.
I took some time to pray. At that time, I had already broke down into tears. I was so weak and hopeless, and really didn't want to go anywhere else for answers, so I asked God about the situation. I asked for some truth and comfort, and wanted come clarification to what needed to happen. God spoke to me, and reminded me what love is, which is faithful, true, obedient, patient, caring, and not easily angered, and it's all proven by God through his own sacrifice and love for me. I felt safe again, and calm. I thought to myself, I have no reason to believe that Kason is being untruthful to me. He has proven himself to love me in every way I believe in, yet I still held back. I wanted so bad to believe him 100% but I couldn't.
But tonight, after praying, I felt safe.. really safe. I didn't feel like I was being deceived, and I actually felt genuinely loved, by God and by Kason, which is bizarre because Kason told me he prayed that I would finally realize the love that was true this evening.

So, now I can say, positively, that Kason loves me, and I love Kason.
Just as my father Jesus loves me, and I love him (Only slightly less exaggerated.. because it's GOD and all..).
I don't deserve God's love, or Kason's love, but I've come to a realization that I need it, especially Christ's, but that's what love is.. a need, but a need that I am not worthy of.



Once again, God is faithful.
but that's what love is. ;)





Feel free to ask questions or comment. I don't seem to get them often. *shrug*