Here I am to Worship: Dating

Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts

Mar 4, 2009

Leaders

.
What makes a leader?
What makes a person capable of being a mentor?
What makes a person trustworthy?
What makes a person admirable?

I'm puzzled.

I've gotten several comments and references lately that Kason and I are "good examples" or "good mentors"... Some comments even toward me, saying I am a good role model.
Someone told me today that I was officially their big sister, and that came from a guy significantly taller than me.
This is strange to me, because I've never considered myself to be a wonderful leader, nor have I ever been told straight forward that I was a good role model.
Is this just my lack of self-esteem or is this true?

I really don't understand, and I really don't feel like I diverse this.
And what is it that makes my relationship with Kason worth following? Most people would look down upon teen relationships with hopeless expectations. What makes our relationship different?

I'm seriously very curious.. I'm hoping for some kind of reply here.
Could you let me know, perhaps?

Jan 5, 2009

First post of the year!

.

Sorry it took me so long to update. I kinda sorta forgot to! :-O
By bad...

So it's a new year, eh? Time for "starting over" and trying to succeed at New Year's Resolutions that truly never will be succeeded.I've read several people's blogs about 2008 and it's pros and cons, and their goals for 2009. I found it kind of interesting so I'll write one here.

Best and Worst!

Worst:
- Struggling endlessly with writing and English classes. Painfully failed poetry with a D, and didn't do well on my first essay of the fall semester.
- Faced issues with close friends that brought me down with their problems
- Managed to break or strongly disable two cameras
- Had many fights with the fam.
- Had a close friend rushed to the hospital.. same night I was in a fight with the fam.
- Had serious emotional problems during Mission New Orleans. (Came through eventually, but some days were off)
- Had my prom date drop out on me
- Had 3 1/2 weeks of SAT classes during the summer, which only decreased my score.
- Got a horrible sunburn at Six Flags in San Antonio on August 1st.. which can still be seen to this day.
- Struggled with the possibility that my family would move overseas.
- Broke one of my original new years resolutions.
- Fell into rotten temptation. Did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of.
- Was lied to by someone for awhile, which also made me lie to myself. Big whole mess.Long story. Physically and emotionally beat up many times.
- Lost some friends
- Still didn't get a job yet.
- And last, the constant struggle of overwhelming fear.

Best:
- I got the chance to go on THREE mission trips.. New Orleans, Mexico, and San Antonio.. where I was a chaperon for middle schoolers. I also revisited my 8th grade mission trip VBS site.
- Witnessed lives get saved and adoration to God being expressed through song in 2 different languages in unison(very cool).
- Two of my cousins started coming to church with me right after new years of 08. Both either became Christians or recommitted their lives to Christ, and both were baptized.
- Three of my cousin's friends visited church one day too. All three gave their lives to Christ.
- Met The Wedding live at our church for d-now, and found out our band leader was joining them. :-O
- Visited FBC Watauga for d-now also. Awesomest sermons ever...very life changing. Found those same sermon recordings on youtube last week. I freaked.
- Turned 16. Didn't get my license for 8 more months, but I got in eventually!
- Met a buttload of new people. Lots of new friends.
- Watched the youth group at Glenview grow as youth ministers came and left. The body of believers stayed strong, and I saw God move in us.
- Realized more and more God's faithfulness, especially in time of need. God healed my heart, and still continues to do so.
- God provided friends and family that are an utter blessing to me and my relationship with Him.
- God used each burden and trouble in my heart and turned it around so I could become stronger. He showed me His endless glory.
- God brought me back home after I strayed. I came back broken and dirty, but I was made new again.
- I overcame my fear of talking to people about my problems or emotions. I opened an over
-packed bottle of secrets, anger, sadness, and even joy. I was set free! I let nothing stay held back.
- This holiday season has been the best in forever. Family is closer together, and moments are cherished rather than physical gifts.
- Pursued art and photography a little bit more as I try a lot of new things.
- God blessed me with Kason, my first real relationship. It's mind blowing to be with someone who acknowledges my flaws and bruises and stays patient with me as I continue to heal, and even helps me grow closer to Christ through my struggles instead of pull me away.
- and last, God has simply blown me away with an amazing year. It had it's immeasurably tough times, but what God did and how He showed himself to me every single day surpassed everything that could have possibly made the year a tragedy.

It's pretty clear that every negative thing that happened was eventually overcome by God and his glory. Times got tough and faith was lost, but it was always restored one way or another, if it's not in the restoration process right now. I'm thankful for such a blessed year full of steps and learning. I couldn't have gone without it.

Now, goals for 2009.....
- Get a job. Pay for what I need to and start saving for.. college?
- Succeed farther in arts in photography. Painting and photography classes this semester.. very excited.
- Somehow, someway, get a professional digital camera. I think that's the one material thing I want with a passion. Hah.
- Restart an unspoken resolution from last year.. and actually succeed(this is important, very very important!).
- Grow stronger in my daily walk with God. Become more resistant to temptations.
- Spend more time with God and strive daily for a better understanding of the Word.
- Become a stronger leader. Do harder things and make bigger sacrifices for God's kingdom.
- Make better grades! Starting senior year in the fall.. lets not get D's anymore!
- Grow more confident in myself, seeing as how I have very little.
- Grow even more closer to family.
- And last, just be able to take every situation in my life, big or small, good or bad, and use it to understand God more, bring Him glory, and change my lifestyle for the better.

Yep.
I may add on later as I remember more.

Dec 7, 2008

Whole?

Apparently I'm a lot weaker than I thought I was.

If you were to ask anyone what the greatest weakness and sensitive area was, it would probably be past "relationships". As much as I hate to admit that I've been hurt by a guy, I have to say I have, and apparently that's left a big dent on how fearful and fragile I am.
I think the best part about this is that it's made me much more willing to talk to anyone about my struggles, even on blogger, however it takes it's negative role when some of the smallest things become capable of shattering my emotional self control.

I'll be honest, I've been scared lately. Not a whole lot, but fairly often. I'm scared of being hurt emotionally and physically. As much as I want to solve friendship problems between me and my previous "interest", I'm scared out of my mind, which apparently has caused some concerns in Kason and one of my other friends.
When I was at church this morning between services, I glanced at a person that looked like my previous interest. After a double-take, I realized it wasn't him, but I followed by freaking out, nearly to tears. I'm not sure why though. I thought that I had been healed, but all of a sudden I felt like I was being beaten up again. I walked upstairs to the loft, and LeighAnn asked what was wrong. Apparently the fear had shown in my face, but I continued to say I was just fine. As much as I enjoyed church this morning, I was not in my best mood considering my fear and insecurities.
I went home, cleaned the house a little, and took a nap. I felt more clear-minded later.
Kason invited me over to his house for a little while. I explained to him my fears a few days ago, but I talked to him about it again today, seeing as how I haven't been on best terms with my confidence. Kason assured me it was going to be ok, and promised to not let anything happen to me. I thought about how Biblical love and promises have been expressed to me lately, then I thought about how I saw them several months ago, which wasn't much biblical truth at all, consider it was all broken. Through the past few weeks, I've been slowly picking up my pieces to become whole again, with a huge lesson learned with each piece. What I've learned a lot this week is that Biblical faithfulness is never broken, and always assures truth and safety. Unfortunately, with all my piling fears, I've been growing uncertain of faithfulness, and wondering if it even resides in human at all. As much as man will never be able to grasp it completely, God promises safety to me, and He is much more faithful and true than anyone else will ever be.
It came to me in a revelation.. I am safe. I trust God to keep me safe and orchestrate the issues however they need to go. And as much as I have recurring fears that my past will repeat, I have to trust that there will be a change, and that I am willing to accept it and challenge it.
All the while realizing this, I broke into tears right there in Kason's arms. It really is neat to have a physical person there to hold you like a small child. It kinda makes the whole "God holding me always" thing feel much more real. :-)

So, with all that said, I'm healing, and gradually becoming whole again.
I'm so thankful for my faithful Jesus.
It really is a remarkable love to follow.

Pray for stength in me.

Dec 4, 2008

It's hit me...

I've been contemplating posting about this for a while now, but I always decided to wait.
But, I've gotten to the point where all questioning as been answered, just as God always promised me...
So, I decided to finally blog about this...

Monday is Kason and I's "one month anniversary". We became close friends about early to mid October, when we realized that we had a lot of struggles in common, such as secrets, lust, masks, false guilt, etc. Talking to eachother a lot really brought out our true selves. We got to the point where our friendship became very beneficial because we encouraged eachother to overcome our guilts and struggles. Most of all, we both had to realize that we, as Christians, are ultimately forgiven and our sins are never held against us, purely because of God's love.
At the end of October, we both realized that our friendship was creating in each of us a stronger relationship with Christ, as well as family. At this same time, we spoke a lot about what truth and love is. After much analyzing and reading God's word, we began to grow more love for people, such as friends, family, and romance. At this time, we had already showed interest in eachother, however we didn't intend to make any actions upon it right away. However we did take some time to realize that before getting in a serious relationship, one needs to already love the other person to a certain degree. For me, I have to love that person enough to feel confident that it will someday lead to marriage, seeing as how that's the main reason for dating. Kason voiced to me his opinion, and it made sense right away. After much praying and pondering, Kason decided to ask my dad permission to date me. My dad approved, which was glorious!
Now, I'll be honest, I entered this relationship with a huge amount of fear hidden inside me. I've had another guy promise all these "good" stuff to me for several months. He told me he loved me and he also promised to never hurt me, and through all that he pressed hard to make sure I believed him. After just a few months, he turned away, and took everything back - all the love, all the promises, all the care. He followed by hurting and lying to be continuously, and lacking any care whatsoever that he was doing so. I don't mean to express anger or bitterness toward that person, but I just want to give you an idea of how fearful I really was of lies and deceit. I didn't show my fear on the outside, and even when digging deep, my fear my not visible. I didn't even realize that I was so scared until my fear was tested.

When Kason and I began our relationship, I felt generally safe. I knew Kason well enough to know that he wouldn't hurt me and that he would actually care for me. Getting to know him as a close friend really gave me a chance to get to know who he really is without partiality hindering, and I trusted him.. more so than I do most other guys.
Two days after we started dating, Kason and I went to the mall so I could drop off some applications(as I posted in a previous blog). We followed by eating somewhere, and spending some time at the park near his house(while it was dark and rainy, I might add). After talking at the park for awhile, Kason told me he loved me.
Knowing me(and him), I don't take those three words lightly at all. As you may have realized in a previous blog I posted about what love is, you can tell that I'm pretty serious about it, and so is he. So him telling me that was huge for me. I was in shock more than anything else, and I had a slight bit of disbelief too because we had only been dating two days. I'll be rash though, I had given it a lot of thought and prayer too. God had been showing me a lot about what love is and what it should be. God has given me more affirmation than I even needed(whole other story though), so... I told Kason I loved him in return. He didn't expect that at all, but it was calming, nonetheless.
I've been really shy to admit my feelings toward him to other people lately, and afraid to say something, even though I wanted to. I was just a little bit too scared, and I was stilling holding a bit of fear that it was all a lie. There were several times when I would be talking to Kason and all of a sudden I would get upset and scared. I would lay humility upon myself and begin to feel guilt and unworthiness for anything. I felt horrible for what I've done in the past. I felt unworthy of being with Kason, and I was just flat out scared that someday all the stuff what was told to me would be taken back. Every time, though, Kason would tell me that he wouldn't lie to me. He tried to the best of his ability to comfort me, and show me some truth that was easier the grasp, such as God's unfailing love for me. Even though I would be relatively fine after a while of talking, I apparently still held some fear that continued until now.
I was driving Kason home this evening after Sonlight's end-of-semester program, and all of a sudden, I could hear voices and lies running through my head that I had heard before from my previous "relationship". I became upset, once again, and fearful. Kason realized I was upset, and prodded for a reason, but I had none, because I wasn't entirely sure what was going on with me at the time. As I was driving home, rage and fear filled me, and I was driving about 20 mph over the speed limit, until all of a sudden humility struck me, and I slowed down until I was about 5 under. I maintained that speed, and sat in silence, without much going through my head. Everything seemed to be in slow-motion now, and quiet. I wanted to cry, and I wanted some truth, but I felt humiliated that I've been so fearful that I can't even pull myself to come back to God to show me some truth and comfort.
I arrived at home, and received an IM from Kason asking once again what was troubling me. I finally admitted that I was scared of lies, and explained my reason further. He responded by telling me he wouldn't lie, and told me everything was going to be fine. I asked him how he knew that..
God always provides, he said. He gives us what we need, and does not lie or deceive us, and from all the stuff that has been given to Kason and I for a clear answer, I had every reason to believe it was true, but I still did not feel 100% confident because of fear.
I took some time to pray. At that time, I had already broke down into tears. I was so weak and hopeless, and really didn't want to go anywhere else for answers, so I asked God about the situation. I asked for some truth and comfort, and wanted come clarification to what needed to happen. God spoke to me, and reminded me what love is, which is faithful, true, obedient, patient, caring, and not easily angered, and it's all proven by God through his own sacrifice and love for me. I felt safe again, and calm. I thought to myself, I have no reason to believe that Kason is being untruthful to me. He has proven himself to love me in every way I believe in, yet I still held back. I wanted so bad to believe him 100% but I couldn't.
But tonight, after praying, I felt safe.. really safe. I didn't feel like I was being deceived, and I actually felt genuinely loved, by God and by Kason, which is bizarre because Kason told me he prayed that I would finally realize the love that was true this evening.

So, now I can say, positively, that Kason loves me, and I love Kason.
Just as my father Jesus loves me, and I love him (Only slightly less exaggerated.. because it's GOD and all..).
I don't deserve God's love, or Kason's love, but I've come to a realization that I need it, especially Christ's, but that's what love is.. a need, but a need that I am not worthy of.

Once again, God is faithful.
but that's what love is. ;)

Feel free to ask questions or comment. I don't seem to get them often. *shrug*

Nov 24, 2008

Return to the Source of Your Joy

It's the solution to all anger, sadness, depression, etc..

I find it ironic that just when circumstances become larger and more important, the lessons that are shown to me fit along perfectly. Kason and I have been dating two weeks as of yesterday. It feels a little weird considering I've never been in a relationship before now. One of the things I never completely grasped before was that when you become romantically involved with someone, the other person's life, emotions, and thoughts because your own too.
I walked into church this morning and knew immediately that Kason was upset, without a word or action done. I became slightly worried about it, and I wanted to help. He claimed he would talk about it after church. After a minute of pushing him to tell me, he became tense and told me to stop. I was a little upset for a minute. I walked off, and greeted a few other people. I realized I just made him feel worse, and came back and gave him a hug. I know I care about him, and I felt bad for just making it worse than it already was.
Fortunately, not too long after Pastor Dennis started speaking, the message began to form itself around the current situation, just as it did last Sunday. We both kind of realized that we fall into anger or discontentment more than we should, which only makes it worse for our relationship with eachother, others, and most importantly, our relationship with Christ.
Pastor Dennis began to sing a short song about thankfulness. Kason nudged me.. We looked at eachother, and gave eachother the biggest hug ever.
It was sweet.
By the time the service was over, we were both fine again, simply by the words of Christ filling us again through the message.
"Return to the Source of your Joy".
I thought, and remembered that as children of Christ, we are to continually rejoice. We're not called to always be happy and cheerful, but to rejoice, and thank God in every situation. We spent too much time with our minds off our main joy and purpose. For us, and our relationship, God is our joy and strength. Without God, we are nothing. Our relationship would fail. With Christ, all things are possible, and when we focus our minds on our joy and strength, things become not only possible, but also a huge blessing.

I'm thankful for today.
I've learned some valuable lessons,
and God has dearly blessed me with Kason.
and so many other stuff! I can't even explain!!

God is just so faithful.
God is my joy!

Nov 17, 2008

Love

.
What is love?

Romans 12: 9-13
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourself. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Love is sincere... Love is true. It does not lie. It does not deceive. I find it very annoying when I find people who claim to love each other with all their heart, however they just end up deceiving each other in the end. This doesn't only happen in romantic relationships, but also family and friends. Must love have quarrels and lies? Must love have secrets and deceptions? No, it cannot. If dishonesty is present, it is not love. Love avoids evilness. It clings to the right thing. It strives for the right path. It hungers righteousness and closeness with Christ. Love does not seek self indulgences and easiness. Love devotes to what is good and true. Love does not give up. Love perseveres. Love flourishes hope and faith. Love cares unceasingly, and love must put down his own pride.

Romans 13:8.
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.
Love is delightful, and does not grow weary. Love must be sought after. Love does not cease. Love is on-going. Love is a part of life. Without love, there is nothing. Love is a commandment, however it is not to be fulfilled with a grudge or a hate, but with sincerity and honesty, just as Christ willingly loved us.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-13
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Love does not rush. Love waits patiently at the door for an answer. It does not push. It considers all time worthy. Love respects. Love strives for kindness, care, and hospitality. Love is not envious and jealous. Love is fulfilling, it has no need for anything else. Why become envious of things you do not possess if you already have what you need? Love does not boast. It is not prideful. Love delights in what it is, and what it has. A person with love does not boast. He is considerate and thoughtful. Love is not proud. A person with love considers himself unworthy for the gift of love he has received. One does not consider himself deserving of true love, once true love is experienced in full. Love seeks for the well-being of the other person. Love does not seek for his own pleasure and happiness, but for the comfort and safety of the other being. Love cares for others higher than himself. Love sacrifices all, even life, and it is sacrificed willingly and without force. Love encourages, and does not pull down on faults and weaknesses, but rather makes weakenesses stronger and faults invisible. Love is not easily angered. Love is forgiving. Love considers the circumstances, and does not over-react. Love does not remember past wrongs. It passes them by as if they never happened, and continues to love even more. Love appreciates. Love seeks the truth. Love seeks righteousness, and leaves what is wrong and sinful. Love seeks Christ. Love protects like a shield, and speaks with a righteous tongue rather than a tongue of lies and weapons. Love trusts, and is not uneasy. It always hopes, and always believes. Love is faithful. It does not sway. Love stands through all. It endures all shaking. It fights through all trials. Love does not grow week. Love accomplishes. Love does not fail it's purpose. Love does not end. Love endures forever. Love grows, it learns, and it puts childish ways behind it. Love makes all things clear, as Christ gave a clear way for sinners because of his love for us first.

1 John 4:18-19
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. If anyways says, "I love God", yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. and he has given us this command; whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Love drives out fear. There is no uneasiness. If I love Christ, as He loves me, I am not fearful for myself. I trust in Him. I have faith He will protect me. Love diminishes all fear, for I feel protected in the arms of the one whom I love. If I do not love my neighbor, my brother, and my friend, I do not love Christ. If I cannot forgive my brother is Christ, and love him, how am I to still love Christ passionately with despair in my heart? God's been showing me a lot about this lately. I became convicted of this greatly on Sunday morning and afternoon, to the point of tears, because God showed me my anger in my heart toward another person. I had to push my own pride down and realize my sin, just so I could forgive and apologize to my brother or sister in Christ. Once I can first love my brothers and sister and enemies, I can truly love Christ.

1 John 4: 7
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Now go back to the previous verses, and put "God" wherever "love" is. Love is God, and God is love. God is a definite, pure, and clear image of what love is. God first demonstrated love by sending his own Son to die for us, the sinners, the unworthy ones. He endured all trials, trusted unceasingly, and had undying faithfulness. He was not fearful, and was not unsure. He was confident. He cared and loved. He sacrificed everything.
That is love.
Love must match with Christ, always, in every aspect. If love does not follow God's teaching and God's example, it is not love.

This is not limited to any certain kind of love.
This is love for Christ, love for family, love for friends, romantic love, and love for enemies. It is love, simple as that. Nobody excluded.
and this is what God has taught me.
Feel free to post input.

Nov 12, 2008

Photo Blog

As a posted a few days ago, I'm am now in a relationship.
Kason Chandler Bryden is his name. He is a highschooler at my church.
He's great.
You should meet him, if you haven't already.
:-P
We started dating Saturday night after he spoke with my dad alone about dating me. To my surprise, my parents thoroughly enjoy Kason. They don't normally approve of anyone, so this is a huge blessing to me, I'll be honest.
My family was invited to a thanksgiving party this past Saturday with their sunday school class. Holly invited her boyfriend, Cole, to tag along. My mom suggested I invite Kason to go with me as well, which was kinda funny at the time because I had never even introduced the idea of dating Kason to my parents yet.
So, we all had a grand ol' time with my family. Holly, Cole, Kason, and I took a bunch of pictures in our spare time. Most of these have been posted on either Myspace or Facebook, so you may have seen them already, but I decided to post them here too. :-)

-----