Just some thoughts...

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Freedom.

What is it? How does it feel? How long does it last? How is it embraced??
I don't know about you, but I think freedom is when the thing that keeps you captive no longer has the ability to grab you anymore. The figurative "chains" are broken. The burdens are lifted and destroyed. The kidnapper is locked away. The mistakes and sins are forgiven. Love is restored and revealed. You are completely and utterly free. No worries. No concerns. You are forever free.
That is freedom to me.
What I don't understand is when people say they're free one day, but come back the next all scared and worried. What happened to freedom? What happened to lifting your burdens to God? Did you take it back?? Why?!

I'll admit, I've struggled with this a lot. I've had my fair share of captivity, but it took me so much longer to become free again than it should have, and even now, things hold me down. I've been a prisoner to words, fears, insecurity, and the toughest judge.. myself. I've set up my own bars, and placed my fears so perfectly that it's hard for an outsider to break them. I've found that I can't even break them myself. I can't even overcome myself! I've trapped myself in my own prison and the only way out is by the help of someone higher than myself. I've mixed up emotions of self-pity and pride that I really don't know how to view other people or myself. My head's filled with puzzles and mix-masters that nothing makes sense.
What can I do?? What is there for me, a human, to change?
Absolutely nothing. I've been idle and confused for so long. I tried so hard to break down my own walls but I found more and more behind the corner.
I just can't take it anymore. My effort is a lost cause.
I've just come to realize that this fear is a lost cause too. All these walls and bars and insecurities... do they mean that much? Do I need them? Are they really that crucial? Or maybe they're "Just too hard to overcome...". Maybe I'm "Just too weak".
But who am I to say that? How did I get here? How did I inherit life? Where did I get my hope and how?? Christ is the one that carried my sins. He's the one that withstood the greatest pains, hardships, and ridicules. He made it through, and gave me life. Who the heck am I to say it's "just too hard"?? This is nothing. This is just a petty problem compared to what Christ had to overcome.
This is ridiculous.
I was made free. I was brought to life in Christ. I am set free from the burdens of sin and guilt. Why am I still stuck in the mud of my own pity? It doesn't make sense!

I'm seeking for freedom. I've found that my effort is a lost cause, so I decided that I'm not going to do anything except give all this to Christ. I'm returning home, and I'll talk to Him. I am that prodigal son. I'll fall on the floor with my face to the ground if I have to.. but this has got to all go to Christ. I can't handle it. I can't even try it anymore. I've hit the bottom of the bottom-less pit. This is it. I am done. This is Christ's situation now. It is not of my concern anymore. I don't do this because it's "just too hard". Yes, it is higher than my abilities, but giving it to Christ alone takes strength.. every single bit I have, because even though I'm giving it up, I have to have faith that it will be handled and I don't worry about it. I have to have faith that those chains will be broken, and I will become free from captivity. But that's what it takes, and I'll do it.
Christ is with me.
I WILL NOT BE A PRISONER ANYMORE!





FATHER! TAKE THESE CHAINS AND SHATTER THEM!!!
Take this heart and mend it...

Unto You I put my trust...


~Katie