365

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Flickr has become my daily journal. Sorry for the lack of posts. I'll still post here! I promise.

I've started a 365 project on flickr. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a challenge to take a self portrait every day for a year. Today is day five for me. I try my best to illustrate my day and/or mood through the picture. If not, I'm probably too lazy to try.
So, if you want to stay slightly more updated with me, I suggest checking my flickr daily. :-)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/30743426@N07

Just for the record, today's picture explained today *perfectly*, but I'm better now, so no worries. :-)

Blessed Christmas....

Today is Christmas(at least, it was 32 minutes ago)...

I must say, this year has probably been one of the best Christmases in the very long time. I've always had good Christmases, but I had nothing to remember them by. I don't remember much from last year other than a few parties and dropping off oranges at the police department on the evening of Christmas. What made it special to me though? What kind of mark did it leave? Heck, I probably can't even tell you what I got last year..

Every year, my parents tell me its not going to be a big Christmas(gift-wise), yet I'm still always blessed. I know my parents really try to stress how serious they are, but either they're being defeated, or their idea of giving gifts to us is far beyond my expectations. I wouldn't say I got my number one listed item, but I have been blessed, no matter what I got. I seems as if physical possessions don't mean all that much to me right now. All the worries and issues I've had this year were far from being tangible, so my general mindset is already on non-tangible things.
But, anyways, This Christmas has been *significantly* different than previous years. A couple days ago, I was talking to Kason about the meaning of Christmas and importance of talking to family about the meaning of the gospel. Behind all the gaudy Christmas signs and jolly santa suites there's a much deeper meaning that too many people neglect, even as Christians. I think one of the reasons this year has been so quick and different was that I didn't take much time to get into the holiday as it was provided by stores and media, but rather in fellowship with family and friends. A fake holiday passes by slow and meaninglessly, but a season celebrating Christ's first love passes by quickly, packed with sentiments and legacies. Sure, it was fast, but that's what made it special.
Michelle's boyfriend, Edgar, stayed with us since Tuesday(he and Michelle are leaving for El Paso in a few hours). It was definitely different to have another person in the house for Christmas, but it was also a great opportunity to get to know him better too. I visited with some relatives on Tuesday night that I haven't seen since last Christmas. The fellowship and laughter was added comfort. :-)
Last night, my family(Ed included) went to Pizza Hut for Christmas Eve dinner (as tradition calls for) and looked at Christian lights. Kason joined us for Christian-light looking. Overall, my family had a great time looking at lights together. The extra fellowship with Ed and Kason made it a whole lot more cheerful, even for my mom. :-D
We all went home after that and watched The Christmas Story on tv(which none of us had seen) and continued our fellowship. Not to mention, Kason gave me his christmas gift to me, which was.. really cool(which is a blatant underestimating). Later in the evening, my mom invited Kason and his family over for Christmas dinner(although, his parents decided to stay home, so just Kason came. I was a little in shock to hear such an invitation coming from my mom toward someone unrelated to us... on HOLIDAY at that, but it was a pleasant surprise to say the least. My grandparents joined us for dinner as well(like usual). After a while of talking, my family decided to watch my moms new movie "Mamma Mia". Originally, my grandparents would leave after a movie if the conversations were boring enough, but my mom suggested Kason play some guitar for us. The next thing I knew, the entire family was singing Amazing Grace, including my grandmother... who never sings. :-)

I honestly don't know what happened. My whole family was in a wonderful mood today, and the things that normally make a holiday feel like a holiday ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
It was wonderful.
I am very blessed...


Ahh...
God is wonderful. I thank Him for sending His son.
:-)



shall post pictures later.....

I must confess...

.

My pride devours me, spitting the bones out.


*sigh*


I'm sorry... to everyone.






...Humility is the first step of growth....

Strength vs. Weakness

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassing great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me
"My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.

-----

As I've posted plenty enough times before, fear has been a struggle in me lately, which later causes weakness. I'm coming to realize that during the whole process of heartache, I pleaded to God over and over again to calm my fear and take the pain away, but still I was being hurt. There were times I was upset and depressed, and there were times I was downright angry and irrationally tense. I can say that I've gone through a great deal of healing as of late, but when I look at it now, I can see how hard I was hit and how much it affected my attitude and strength. I became utterly weak. It was pitiful.

I've recently been questioning who I am and what my worth is. I don't mean to sound depressing and demeaning, but it really was a question that struck my mind to find out. I'll be honest, it leaves an odd physical preasure on my chest to know. I wasn't sure where to look though.. in the Bible, that is. I was kind of confused. Despite being somewhat lost, something kept tugging me to read Romans. I'm not even sure how many times I was reminded of the book, but it kept coming to my attention, so I decided to start reading.
After a couple days of studying(a little bit at a time), I came across a list of verses I got in Sunday school several weeks ago. Each verse had an example of who were are in Christ. Seeing as how 1 of the 3 pages was only verses from Romans, I found it very beneficial to the current situation. After reading through the list of verses, there was one that stuck out to me, which oddly enough was not from Romans, but the verse I typed above.

I think I've kinda picked up the concept that hardships make you stronger, but I never really gave it much thought considering I haven't always had to deal with my strongest weaknesses all that much. I can definitely say that I've become very weak, and that I've faced a lot of struggles and trials, but it's taken me a while to realize that I will get stronger, and I will gain wisdom from it all. I had the general mindset that I was broken to pieces that will take a long time to mend back together. Now, even though it's still going to take a while to completely heal, I've come to realize that not only am I healing now, but I am also being rebuilt stronger and more stable. I've been blessed with how much more I can understand now. Even despite all the traumatizing, I can confidently say that I am made stronger. Also as a result, I have gained a more humble spirit. I didn't realize how prideful I was until I came to understand that what I valued most was not Christ at all. I became full of what I had, and who I was, that I lost part of my humbleness to my devouring pride that eventually just forced it all to be stripped away.

I thank God now for it all; My pride, my valuables being taken away, the pain I went through, and heartache and weakness that brought me to my lowest point, and I thank God that I can learn something from it, and that I can gain humbleness rather than depression and anger now.
It was hard for a long time.. too long, in fact, but I understand now. I am blessed.

-----

1 Corinthians 13: 9-12

For we know in part and we prophecy in part,
but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became man, I put childish ways beind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection in the mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Oh, that's tough..

.

I remembered earlier this year, maybe around the beginning of summer, going through some kind of challenge in my life. I don't remember the specific situation, but I was convicted of what I was laying in my life as highest priority.
I asked God to strip anything from me that I put before him. I was kinda scared of where I was at the time, but I had just enough faith to pull myself to ask God for something like that.
Several months passed...
I wasn't sure that it would ever happen. There was a time in my life when I convinced that nothing major would ever hurt me. I thought I had a very strong heart, and was able to endure any kind of "heartbreak". I don't know what I had in me.... ignorance? pride? I don't know...

There was one thing I held so much higher than everything else, and it was certainly not God. I held it so tightly. I subconsciously molded myself to fit my desires because I treasured them so much. I always thought it the back of my mind to "always put God first" and I prayed for God to "strip them away", but I never seriously thought that it would happen, and I never really took actions to put God back ahead of everything else. I just went along with myself.. which I found was very foolish of me.

Sure enough, after many months, when I had almost completely been devoured by my pleasured, God answered that prayer. Everything I held dear was stripped away, with impressing force, I must say. All that ignorance and pride went away, and I found myself in a pit of confusion, heartache, and loneliness. I tried to get it back.. I tried very hard, but it kept coming back and hitting me over and over again. I finally understood what I did.. all the wrongs and sins and misconceptions.
Lowest time of my life.

I briefly talking to a youth leader at church the day after it all happened. I tried so hard to fight back tears as I explained that "The thing I put before Christ was stripped from me.. just as I asked God to do several months ago..". She followed by some short encouragement.. than began singing.. "When you call of Jesus.. All things are possible!...".
I was reminded of that day this evening. As much as I get caught up in my own fear, I don't take much time to notice that all that pain I had to go through was intended to help me grow, and help me realize how incredibly faithful God is.. and how he's never going to fail to show me what truth really is. Considering I was deceived in many ways, I wasn't sure what to believe, and I wasn't sure what to expect next. I was utterly lost.

I'll be honest.. I've become kinda bitter. It doesn't show a lot, but when I'm reminded of what hurt me the most, fear kind of consumed me and my normally confident attitude becomes nearly two inches tall in a matter of seconds. When I get to the point where I feel like I can finally move on, something else comes back.
For example.. I found out this evening that I was cheated on two months ago. As much as I wish I didn't care at all, considering I'm very happy where I am now, I can't help but become a little upset over it. Once again, I can feel pain again, and uneasiness. I'm not sure what to do about it. What am I to do? The choices are limited, but I decided to try to let it pass. It's about time I stop getting scared about everything, and really rely on God. Having something stripped from me a while back is no excuse to be afraid now, right? God never intends permanent harm. All pain is initiated in order to help me grow in wisdom and strength. As far as I'm concerned, I've learned a buttload of stuff in the past few months.. more than I've ever taken in at a time. It's really overwhelming at times, but I must say... this is a huge blessing to me. God's been so faithful to me, even when I continue to be scared.
Someone gave me a verse today for encouragement, and it just reminded me that when the Holy Spirit enters me, I am no longer a slave to fear.
Hmm... Yeah, I'm pretty kick-butt scared a lot, what does that mean? I kinda came to a conclusion that I'm not filling myself with Christ enough. God's been teaching me all this stuff, and being very faithful to me, but I have not been faithful to Christ in return, and I'm just now realizing my famished soul that has been feeding off of fear and answers that only come from humans.. which ultimately can not answer my questions.

*sigh*

This blog seems to be more of a diary entry than anything else.

I'm not sure where I'm going. All I know and that I want to get over this fear and cling to Christ. It's about time I start running full-force toward my father like a crying kid who's been lost in the mall for hours on end.



....







Let's go!




Pray for my journey...
.

Wow...

I just subconsciously put myself through the ultimate test of fear.


There is one thing lately that really has the capability of derailing my strength, and that's being completely surrounded by contradicting truths and lies written right before my eyes and running through my head. The lies are not old, they are only a couple months old.. fresh, yet rotten.
This happened to me a few days ago.. I was surrounded completely, and I lost it. I couldn't breath. I tried to get a grip, but it slipped. I broke down in tears. I stepped back, sat on my bed, and opened the Bible for something.. anything. God calmed me, and spoke to me in peace. I became quite and thoughtful(whole other story though).

Tonight, I put myself in the same situation.. I knew very well what I was going to see and what was going to go through my mind, yet I still went for it. I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was a silly act to do, but surprisingly I didn't freak. I didn't even become upset. I was a little uncomfortable, but sure enough it was achievable. I became weary of what I was seeing, but it was not the kind of weary that makes you upset and broken.. it was the kind that makes you feel sick to the stomach to see, and just make you feel thankful that it's not a huge part of your life anymore. I considered the situation, and was reminded that what I have now is all I need. I may be broken and hurting every now and then, but I don't need an apology to function. My life does not rest in some other human's response.
I can move on. It's going to be hard sometimes, but God has blessed me. God would not give me an obstacle that was unachievable. No promises of easiness, but there is a promise for a revolution.
Thank you Jesus.



"YOU SET ME FREE!!"

*and eyes water with joy*

Short and Simple

.
I need prayer.

I'm so vulnerable, and Satan knows my weaknesses.

Just... simply pray.

Whole?

Apparently I'm a lot weaker than I thought I was.

If you were to ask anyone what the greatest weakness and sensitive area was, it would probably be past "relationships". As much as I hate to admit that I've been hurt by a guy, I have to say I have, and apparently that's left a big dent on how fearful and fragile I am.
I think the best part about this is that it's made me much more willing to talk to anyone about my struggles, even on blogger, however it takes it's negative role when some of the smallest things become capable of shattering my emotional self control.

I'll be honest, I've been scared lately. Not a whole lot, but fairly often. I'm scared of being hurt emotionally and physically. As much as I want to solve friendship problems between me and my previous "interest", I'm scared out of my mind, which apparently has caused some concerns in Kason and one of my other friends.
When I was at church this morning between services, I glanced at a person that looked like my previous interest. After a double-take, I realized it wasn't him, but I followed by freaking out, nearly to tears. I'm not sure why though. I thought that I had been healed, but all of a sudden I felt like I was being beaten up again. I walked upstairs to the loft, and LeighAnn asked what was wrong. Apparently the fear had shown in my face, but I continued to say I was just fine. As much as I enjoyed church this morning, I was not in my best mood considering my fear and insecurities.
I went home, cleaned the house a little, and took a nap. I felt more clear-minded later.
Kason invited me over to his house for a little while. I explained to him my fears a few days ago, but I talked to him about it again today, seeing as how I haven't been on best terms with my confidence. Kason assured me it was going to be ok, and promised to not let anything happen to me. I thought about how Biblical love and promises have been expressed to me lately, then I thought about how I saw them several months ago, which wasn't much biblical truth at all, consider it was all broken. Through the past few weeks, I've been slowly picking up my pieces to become whole again, with a huge lesson learned with each piece. What I've learned a lot this week is that Biblical faithfulness is never broken, and always assures truth and safety. Unfortunately, with all my piling fears, I've been growing uncertain of faithfulness, and wondering if it even resides in human at all. As much as man will never be able to grasp it completely, God promises safety to me, and He is much more faithful and true than anyone else will ever be.
It came to me in a revelation.. I am safe. I trust God to keep me safe and orchestrate the issues however they need to go. And as much as I have recurring fears that my past will repeat, I have to trust that there will be a change, and that I am willing to accept it and challenge it.
All the while realizing this, I broke into tears right there in Kason's arms. It really is neat to have a physical person there to hold you like a small child. It kinda makes the whole "God holding me always" thing feel much more real. :-)

So, with all that said, I'm healing, and gradually becoming whole again.
I'm so thankful for my faithful Jesus.
It really is a remarkable love to follow.





Pray for stength in me.

It's hit me...

I've been contemplating posting about this for a while now, but I always decided to wait.
But, I've gotten to the point where all questioning as been answered, just as God always promised me...
So, I decided to finally blog about this...


Monday is Kason and I's "one month anniversary". We became close friends about early to mid October, when we realized that we had a lot of struggles in common, such as secrets, lust, masks, false guilt, etc. Talking to eachother a lot really brought out our true selves. We got to the point where our friendship became very beneficial because we encouraged eachother to overcome our guilts and struggles. Most of all, we both had to realize that we, as Christians, are ultimately forgiven and our sins are never held against us, purely because of God's love.
At the end of October, we both realized that our friendship was creating in each of us a stronger relationship with Christ, as well as family. At this same time, we spoke a lot about what truth and love is. After much analyzing and reading God's word, we began to grow more love for people, such as friends, family, and romance. At this time, we had already showed interest in eachother, however we didn't intend to make any actions upon it right away. However we did take some time to realize that before getting in a serious relationship, one needs to already love the other person to a certain degree. For me, I have to love that person enough to feel confident that it will someday lead to marriage, seeing as how that's the main reason for dating. Kason voiced to me his opinion, and it made sense right away. After much praying and pondering, Kason decided to ask my dad permission to date me. My dad approved, which was glorious!
Now, I'll be honest, I entered this relationship with a huge amount of fear hidden inside me. I've had another guy promise all these "good" stuff to me for several months. He told me he loved me and he also promised to never hurt me, and through all that he pressed hard to make sure I believed him. After just a few months, he turned away, and took everything back - all the love, all the promises, all the care. He followed by hurting and lying to be continuously, and lacking any care whatsoever that he was doing so. I don't mean to express anger or bitterness toward that person, but I just want to give you an idea of how fearful I really was of lies and deceit. I didn't show my fear on the outside, and even when digging deep, my fear my not visible. I didn't even realize that I was so scared until my fear was tested.

When Kason and I began our relationship, I felt generally safe. I knew Kason well enough to know that he wouldn't hurt me and that he would actually care for me. Getting to know him as a close friend really gave me a chance to get to know who he really is without partiality hindering, and I trusted him.. more so than I do most other guys.
Two days after we started dating, Kason and I went to the mall so I could drop off some applications(as I posted in a previous blog). We followed by eating somewhere, and spending some time at the park near his house(while it was dark and rainy, I might add). After talking at the park for awhile, Kason told me he loved me.
Knowing me(and him), I don't take those three words lightly at all. As you may have realized in a previous blog I posted about what love is, you can tell that I'm pretty serious about it, and so is he. So him telling me that was huge for me. I was in shock more than anything else, and I had a slight bit of disbelief too because we had only been dating two days. I'll be rash though, I had given it a lot of thought and prayer too. God had been showing me a lot about what love is and what it should be. God has given me more affirmation than I even needed(whole other story though), so... I told Kason I loved him in return. He didn't expect that at all, but it was calming, nonetheless.
I've been really shy to admit my feelings toward him to other people lately, and afraid to say something, even though I wanted to. I was just a little bit too scared, and I was stilling holding a bit of fear that it was all a lie. There were several times when I would be talking to Kason and all of a sudden I would get upset and scared. I would lay humility upon myself and begin to feel guilt and unworthiness for anything. I felt horrible for what I've done in the past. I felt unworthy of being with Kason, and I was just flat out scared that someday all the stuff what was told to me would be taken back. Every time, though, Kason would tell me that he wouldn't lie to me. He tried to the best of his ability to comfort me, and show me some truth that was easier the grasp, such as God's unfailing love for me. Even though I would be relatively fine after a while of talking, I apparently still held some fear that continued until now.
I was driving Kason home this evening after Sonlight's end-of-semester program, and all of a sudden, I could hear voices and lies running through my head that I had heard before from my previous "relationship". I became upset, once again, and fearful. Kason realized I was upset, and prodded for a reason, but I had none, because I wasn't entirely sure what was going on with me at the time. As I was driving home, rage and fear filled me, and I was driving about 20 mph over the speed limit, until all of a sudden humility struck me, and I slowed down until I was about 5 under. I maintained that speed, and sat in silence, without much going through my head. Everything seemed to be in slow-motion now, and quiet. I wanted to cry, and I wanted some truth, but I felt humiliated that I've been so fearful that I can't even pull myself to come back to God to show me some truth and comfort.
I arrived at home, and received an IM from Kason asking once again what was troubling me. I finally admitted that I was scared of lies, and explained my reason further. He responded by telling me he wouldn't lie, and told me everything was going to be fine. I asked him how he knew that..
God always provides, he said. He gives us what we need, and does not lie or deceive us, and from all the stuff that has been given to Kason and I for a clear answer, I had every reason to believe it was true, but I still did not feel 100% confident because of fear.
I took some time to pray. At that time, I had already broke down into tears. I was so weak and hopeless, and really didn't want to go anywhere else for answers, so I asked God about the situation. I asked for some truth and comfort, and wanted come clarification to what needed to happen. God spoke to me, and reminded me what love is, which is faithful, true, obedient, patient, caring, and not easily angered, and it's all proven by God through his own sacrifice and love for me. I felt safe again, and calm. I thought to myself, I have no reason to believe that Kason is being untruthful to me. He has proven himself to love me in every way I believe in, yet I still held back. I wanted so bad to believe him 100% but I couldn't.
But tonight, after praying, I felt safe.. really safe. I didn't feel like I was being deceived, and I actually felt genuinely loved, by God and by Kason, which is bizarre because Kason told me he prayed that I would finally realize the love that was true this evening.

So, now I can say, positively, that Kason loves me, and I love Kason.
Just as my father Jesus loves me, and I love him (Only slightly less exaggerated.. because it's GOD and all..).
I don't deserve God's love, or Kason's love, but I've come to a realization that I need it, especially Christ's, but that's what love is.. a need, but a need that I am not worthy of.



Once again, God is faithful.
but that's what love is. ;)





Feel free to ask questions or comment. I don't seem to get them often. *shrug*

Randomosity Update

.
Finals week! *scream!*

Due tomorrow:
Brit Lit - Finish essay. Done.
World History - Short quiz - Not done yet, but should only take a few minutes. I take home a final, which I assume I mail back by the end of the week.
Electing the President. - NO homework. Praise Jesus. But, I think there's a pop quiz in class tomorrow. My mom told me the secret..*shh*. I'm not worried. It's a silly quiz, because I have a silly teacher. :-P
Government - Turn in final exam and final report. I've done the final, but not the report. I'm doomed to bomb the report, because it's supposed to be written about a council meeting I had to look up and attend. I didn't know this until recently, so obviously I never got the chance to go to one.. Who knows what'll happen with that.
Painting - no homework, obviously. I'll frame my current two paintings in class tomorrow for the end of semester program on Thursday night. Yay!
Kickboxing - gotta write a fitness assessment report for the whole semester. Shouldn't be too hard. She's not grading grammar and such. It's just filling up at least two pages with words for a final grade.
Goodyyy. :-)
Bowling - Finish final exam and turn in Saturday morning. Not too hard.


Other than school, I'm doing alright. I'm kind of in a dilemma with a friend whom I think is trying to avoid having any contact with me whatsoever, which disappoints me to no end, but I've done all I can do.
But, if by some insanely crazy chance you're reading this and you're that particular friend(you'll know who you are), than just know that I'm not going back on my word. I've never lied to you, and I won't break a promise now. I'm still open for friendship, if you just open the door and stop hiding. Otherwise just tell me the truth so I know.

*sigh*
I need patience.
But, I must consider the benefits....

I was thinking last night about the current situation, and God kinda showed me something I don't normally ponder about...
I'm trying to restore a friendship I lost. I've done all I can. I never lied. I stayed true to my word, but that person chooses to block me out completely for selfish reasons. I'm hurt by it, I'll be honest. I've spoken as much as I can, but I get no response. All I can do is wait for that person to realize his/her actions. I'm willing to do all I can to restore this, but at this point, it's all up to a response.
Likewise...
God's always been faithful to me. He's loved me unceasingly, and never fails his promise. However sometimes I'll go my own way and do my own thing, and subconsciously block out God completely. I don't talk to him, and I don't respond when he speaks. I get lost in my own life and desires and lose sight of Him. God is undoubtedly saddened that I turn away, and as much as He may try to get my attention back and initiate a relationship, I have to respond, but I'm too caught up in myself to care. Ultimately, I'm shunning my relationship with God and putting the one thing that is most valuable to me on the back burner. Does that please God? Does that help me grow? of course not..
Now, I'm not trying to compare myself to God, and I'm not at all saying that my friend must be friends with me in return in order to succeed in life, however I am saying that God used this situation to speak to me about my faults.
I don't always struggle with this in such extremes as to block out God completely, but it does speak to me about the small things, such as faithfulness, prayer, and my relationship with God. Without all those things, I am pointless. I am nothing. God is the only one that gives me life and joy and sometimes I loose what makes me alive by indulging in my own concerns and desires.


Hmm...
I love how God can speak to me like that.
It just proves His faithfulness more, eh?
Yesss

I'm gunna change.