.
There's something about me that's been a whole lot different lately. I'm not sure if it's the new year, or the realization that some things just aren't worth stressing over. I don't know, but it seems I've been more open lately, like I'm not trying to hide anything, hold anything back, or keep my true personality from being shown. I'm not sure who else has noticed this(if anyone), but I could easily say that I'm not so scared anymore.
While my my and I were considering photography internship jobs for me, she sent an email to our family and school photographer about suggestions. My mom knew I had a flickr account with my photos, so she asked me for the link to send to him. She'd never seen it before herself until after she sent the email last Wednesday. I came back from church and my mom wanted to talk to me about the stuff I had posted, more specifically the descriptions on a few of them that voice my struggles. She never knew what I was have problems with, much less that I was having problems with anything. My mom has been totally oblivious to any of my problems and stresses my entire life unless they came out in some argument. She didn't know I was depressed and scared all 2007, and she didn't know I was upset for the past few months. These problems aren't much of problems anymore now, but it's just funny how she never seemed to figure it out. I seem to have done a pretty good job hiding it. I wasn't trying to, I just don't show my emotions to my family.
This past week, my personality and talents have been a whole lot more evident to my mom. I think her access to my flickr page now has a lot to do with it, but it's not like I'm scared to post something because I know she's going to see or read it. I'm glad that she has a better idea of who I am and what my passions consist of. Who knew that I liked photography so much?? Probably just the people that have seen my work, but she hadn't seen much at all, nor was I willing to show her. I don't know why, but I just didn't want to show her that much. Her seeing those now makes her understand why I really want to learn more and get better. Her reading my communications also lets her know how people have treated me, and how people treat me now. She knows what has upset me, and she knows what has comforted me. I can't assume she understands every little signal, and I can't expect her to know everything about my life, or even half, but it's much better than what it used to be, where everything important she found out about me was through anger.
I've made it a point to be more open this year, and express my inner personality that a lot of people don't see. I'm glad to see it's making progress. It's been a little hard. It wasn't easy to talk to my mom about my page, but it's turned out better. I've gotten over things, I've admitted things, I've grown, and ultimately, other peoples action toward be have been more respectful.. at least some of the time.
Families are difficult, but I am pleased.
God has lead me through...
Oh, by the way, my mom has made a flickr page now. Took her all day because of her lack of computer savviness, but it's weird considering she has never taken part in an internet social or sharing site before. :-O
Jan 27, 2009
Jan 22, 2009
It's over.
.
After four months... of confusion, pain, fear.. and complete and utter silence...
He came back, just to apologize.
I cried...
hard.
I.. haven't felt this free in so long.
At last, it's over. It's really.. really over.
My God is faithful...
After four months... of confusion, pain, fear.. and complete and utter silence...
He came back, just to apologize.
I cried...
hard.
I.. haven't felt this free in so long.
At last, it's over. It's really.. really over.
My God is faithful...
Jan 17, 2009
Rest
Today has been tiring in every way.
Creative Arts in Action had a homeschool swing dance night tonight. I've been a few times before, but not in a while, so I decided to go and bring Kason with me, considering he doesn't know how to dance yet.It turned out to be great! Kason learned a lot, and I apparently made him realize that I *can* dance.. people just don't realize it because I only do it in homeschool dance socials. :-PWe're planning on going to another swing dance lesson at Creative Arts later in March. Until then, I'll help Kason practice.. because he's THAT eager. ;)
After wearing myself out physically, I headed over to Kason's for a while. He showed me a song he composed this afternoon for me. It was supposedly a very soothing song, considering I couldn't fall asleep last night until 6:30 a.m. He took into consideration that I needed something to help me fall asleep, so he wrote me an instrumental song!After resting a bit and lounging around, some old memories came to mind.. ones made near'y two years ago, and some four years ago. They were negative memories that involved family and even strangers. I didn't say much about it, but I became thoughtful of the situations. They are clearly very old memories, but what made them come to mind? What made them that important, and why are they still bringing me down now? I was kinda puzzled, but I felt captivated by my mood. Kason asked why I was upset, but I wasn't sure what to tell him. My mind was too mixed for words. I'm not even sure if I told him anything, but he did his best to help.
The fact is, I'm so insanely emotionally tired of becoming upset over bad memories and fears. They have nearly consumed the past two or three years of my life, and I'm pretty darn tired of letting myself do that. I need rest, emotionally and spiritually. I need a redemption from this mess. It's gone too long..
I'm not sure how he did it, but Kason just kept talking to me as if he was reading my mind. I was without words for probably 30 minutes but he kept talking and comforting me. I broke into silent tears about two or three, but I still didn't say anything. After a while, Kason tells me to do whatever I needed to do to pray about it right then.. outloud, silent, folded hands, whatever. He told me that God wants to take my burdens and throw them away completely. God wants to give me rest, the kind of rest I've needed in my heart for so long. Kason held me in his arms, and I prayed silently to myself. My face was covered, but it felt like my soul was screamed out for some kind of help that only God can give me. Kason was praying too.. I don't know what he said, but I could hear him. He was stroking my hair... All the while, I was crying like a little girl reaching for the arms of her Father.
I've just been so worn out, like I've been running and running for days without sleep. My soul is weary and my heart in tired. I can't take the beating and stresses. How can I stand against future trials if I'm not rested and strong? How can I forgive myself of future regrets if I cannot forgive myself for past mistakes? How can I resist future unreasonable scolding if I can't first overcome past words.
It's fairly simple really.
I'm just so tired, emotionally.
I.. need.. rest.
Lord, grant me peace and a rested heart. I need redemption...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30743426@N07/3202526301/
Creative Arts in Action had a homeschool swing dance night tonight. I've been a few times before, but not in a while, so I decided to go and bring Kason with me, considering he doesn't know how to dance yet.It turned out to be great! Kason learned a lot, and I apparently made him realize that I *can* dance.. people just don't realize it because I only do it in homeschool dance socials. :-PWe're planning on going to another swing dance lesson at Creative Arts later in March. Until then, I'll help Kason practice.. because he's THAT eager. ;)
After wearing myself out physically, I headed over to Kason's for a while. He showed me a song he composed this afternoon for me. It was supposedly a very soothing song, considering I couldn't fall asleep last night until 6:30 a.m. He took into consideration that I needed something to help me fall asleep, so he wrote me an instrumental song!After resting a bit and lounging around, some old memories came to mind.. ones made near'y two years ago, and some four years ago. They were negative memories that involved family and even strangers. I didn't say much about it, but I became thoughtful of the situations. They are clearly very old memories, but what made them come to mind? What made them that important, and why are they still bringing me down now? I was kinda puzzled, but I felt captivated by my mood. Kason asked why I was upset, but I wasn't sure what to tell him. My mind was too mixed for words. I'm not even sure if I told him anything, but he did his best to help.
The fact is, I'm so insanely emotionally tired of becoming upset over bad memories and fears. They have nearly consumed the past two or three years of my life, and I'm pretty darn tired of letting myself do that. I need rest, emotionally and spiritually. I need a redemption from this mess. It's gone too long..
I'm not sure how he did it, but Kason just kept talking to me as if he was reading my mind. I was without words for probably 30 minutes but he kept talking and comforting me. I broke into silent tears about two or three, but I still didn't say anything. After a while, Kason tells me to do whatever I needed to do to pray about it right then.. outloud, silent, folded hands, whatever. He told me that God wants to take my burdens and throw them away completely. God wants to give me rest, the kind of rest I've needed in my heart for so long. Kason held me in his arms, and I prayed silently to myself. My face was covered, but it felt like my soul was screamed out for some kind of help that only God can give me. Kason was praying too.. I don't know what he said, but I could hear him. He was stroking my hair... All the while, I was crying like a little girl reaching for the arms of her Father.
I've just been so worn out, like I've been running and running for days without sleep. My soul is weary and my heart in tired. I can't take the beating and stresses. How can I stand against future trials if I'm not rested and strong? How can I forgive myself of future regrets if I cannot forgive myself for past mistakes? How can I resist future unreasonable scolding if I can't first overcome past words.
It's fairly simple really.
I'm just so tired, emotionally.
I.. need.. rest.
Lord, grant me peace and a rested heart. I need redemption...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30743426@N07/3202526301/
Jan 8, 2009
Just some thoughts...
.
Freedom.
What is it? How does it feel? How long does it last? How is it embraced??
I don't know about you, but I think freedom is when the thing that keeps you captive no longer has the ability to grab you anymore. The figurative "chains" are broken. The burdens are lifted and destroyed. The kidnapper is locked away. The mistakes and sins are forgiven. Love is restored and revealed. You are completely and utterly free. No worries. No concerns. You are forever free.
That is freedom to me.
What I don't understand is when people say they're free one day, but come back the next all scared and worried. What happened to freedom? What happened to lifting your burdens to God? Did you take it back?? Why?!
I'll admit, I've struggled with this a lot. I've had my fair share of captivity, but it took me so much longer to become free again than it should have, and even now, things hold me down. I've been a prisoner to words, fears, insecurity, and the toughest judge.. myself. I've set up my own bars, and placed my fears so perfectly that it's hard for an outsider to break them. I've found that I can't even break them myself. I can't even overcome myself! I've trapped myself in my own prison and the only way out is by the help of someone higher than myself. I've mixed up emotions of self-pity and pride that I really don't know how to view other people or myself. My head's filled with puzzles and mix-masters that nothing makes sense.
What can I do?? What is there for me, a human, to change?
Absolutely nothing. I've been idle and confused for so long. I tried so hard to break down my own walls but I found more and more behind the corner.
I just can't take it anymore. My effort is a lost cause.
I've just come to realize that this fear is a lost cause too. All these walls and bars and insecurities... do they mean that much? Do I need them? Are they really that crucial? Or maybe they're "Just too hard to overcome...". Maybe I'm "Just too weak".
But who am I to say that? How did I get here? How did I inherit life? Where did I get my hope and how?? Christ is the one that carried my sins. He's the one that withstood the greatest pains, hardships, and ridicules. He made it through, and gave me life. Who the heck am I to say it's "just too hard"?? This is nothing. This is just a petty problem compared to what Christ had to overcome.
This is ridiculous.
I was made free. I was brought to life in Christ. I am set free from the burdens of sin and guilt. Why am I still stuck in the mud of my own pity? It doesn't make sense!
I'm seeking for freedom. I've found that my effort is a lost cause, so I decided that I'm not going to do anything except give all this to Christ. I'm returning home, and I'll talk to Him. I am that prodigal son. I'll fall on the floor with my face to the ground if I have to.. but this has got to all go to Christ. I can't handle it. I can't even try it anymore. I've hit the bottom of the bottom-less pit. This is it. I am done. This is Christ's situation now. It is not of my concern anymore. I don't do this because it's "just too hard". Yes, it is higher than my abilities, but giving it to Christ alone takes strength.. every single bit I have, because even though I'm giving it up, I have to have faith that it will be handled and I don't worry about it. I have to have faith that those chains will be broken, and I will become free from captivity. But that's what it takes, and I'll do it.
Christ is with me.
I WILL NOT BE A PRISONER ANYMORE!
FATHER! TAKE THESE CHAINS AND SHATTER THEM!!!
Take this heart and mend it...
Unto You I put my trust...
~Katie
Freedom.
What is it? How does it feel? How long does it last? How is it embraced??
I don't know about you, but I think freedom is when the thing that keeps you captive no longer has the ability to grab you anymore. The figurative "chains" are broken. The burdens are lifted and destroyed. The kidnapper is locked away. The mistakes and sins are forgiven. Love is restored and revealed. You are completely and utterly free. No worries. No concerns. You are forever free.
That is freedom to me.
What I don't understand is when people say they're free one day, but come back the next all scared and worried. What happened to freedom? What happened to lifting your burdens to God? Did you take it back?? Why?!
I'll admit, I've struggled with this a lot. I've had my fair share of captivity, but it took me so much longer to become free again than it should have, and even now, things hold me down. I've been a prisoner to words, fears, insecurity, and the toughest judge.. myself. I've set up my own bars, and placed my fears so perfectly that it's hard for an outsider to break them. I've found that I can't even break them myself. I can't even overcome myself! I've trapped myself in my own prison and the only way out is by the help of someone higher than myself. I've mixed up emotions of self-pity and pride that I really don't know how to view other people or myself. My head's filled with puzzles and mix-masters that nothing makes sense.
What can I do?? What is there for me, a human, to change?
Absolutely nothing. I've been idle and confused for so long. I tried so hard to break down my own walls but I found more and more behind the corner.
I just can't take it anymore. My effort is a lost cause.
I've just come to realize that this fear is a lost cause too. All these walls and bars and insecurities... do they mean that much? Do I need them? Are they really that crucial? Or maybe they're "Just too hard to overcome...". Maybe I'm "Just too weak".
But who am I to say that? How did I get here? How did I inherit life? Where did I get my hope and how?? Christ is the one that carried my sins. He's the one that withstood the greatest pains, hardships, and ridicules. He made it through, and gave me life. Who the heck am I to say it's "just too hard"?? This is nothing. This is just a petty problem compared to what Christ had to overcome.
This is ridiculous.
I was made free. I was brought to life in Christ. I am set free from the burdens of sin and guilt. Why am I still stuck in the mud of my own pity? It doesn't make sense!
I'm seeking for freedom. I've found that my effort is a lost cause, so I decided that I'm not going to do anything except give all this to Christ. I'm returning home, and I'll talk to Him. I am that prodigal son. I'll fall on the floor with my face to the ground if I have to.. but this has got to all go to Christ. I can't handle it. I can't even try it anymore. I've hit the bottom of the bottom-less pit. This is it. I am done. This is Christ's situation now. It is not of my concern anymore. I don't do this because it's "just too hard". Yes, it is higher than my abilities, but giving it to Christ alone takes strength.. every single bit I have, because even though I'm giving it up, I have to have faith that it will be handled and I don't worry about it. I have to have faith that those chains will be broken, and I will become free from captivity. But that's what it takes, and I'll do it.
Christ is with me.
I WILL NOT BE A PRISONER ANYMORE!
FATHER! TAKE THESE CHAINS AND SHATTER THEM!!!
Take this heart and mend it...
Unto You I put my trust...
~Katie
Jan 5, 2009
First post of the year!
.
Sorry it took me so long to update. I kinda sorta forgot to! :-O
By bad...
So it's a new year, eh? Time for "starting over" and trying to succeed at New Year's Resolutions that truly never will be succeeded.I've read several people's blogs about 2008 and it's pros and cons, and their goals for 2009. I found it kind of interesting so I'll write one here.
Best and Worst!
Worst:
- Struggling endlessly with writing and English classes. Painfully failed poetry with a D, and didn't do well on my first essay of the fall semester.
- Faced issues with close friends that brought me down with their problems
- Managed to break or strongly disable two cameras
- Had many fights with the fam.
- Had a close friend rushed to the hospital.. same night I was in a fight with the fam.
- Had serious emotional problems during Mission New Orleans. (Came through eventually, but some days were off)
- Had my prom date drop out on me
- Had 3 1/2 weeks of SAT classes during the summer, which only decreased my score.
- Got a horrible sunburn at Six Flags in San Antonio on August 1st.. which can still be seen to this day.
- Struggled with the possibility that my family would move overseas.
- Broke one of my original new years resolutions.
- Fell into rotten temptation. Did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of.
- Was lied to by someone for awhile, which also made me lie to myself. Big whole mess.Long story. Physically and emotionally beat up many times.
- Lost some friends
- Still didn't get a job yet.
- And last, the constant struggle of overwhelming fear.
Best:
- I got the chance to go on THREE mission trips.. New Orleans, Mexico, and San Antonio.. where I was a chaperon for middle schoolers. I also revisited my 8th grade mission trip VBS site.
- Witnessed lives get saved and adoration to God being expressed through song in 2 different languages in unison(very cool).
- Two of my cousins started coming to church with me right after new years of 08. Both either became Christians or recommitted their lives to Christ, and both were baptized.
- Three of my cousin's friends visited church one day too. All three gave their lives to Christ.
- Met The Wedding live at our church for d-now, and found out our band leader was joining them. :-O
- Visited FBC Watauga for d-now also. Awesomest sermons ever...very life changing. Found those same sermon recordings on youtube last week. I freaked.
- Turned 16. Didn't get my license for 8 more months, but I got in eventually!
- Met a buttload of new people. Lots of new friends.
- Watched the youth group at Glenview grow as youth ministers came and left. The body of believers stayed strong, and I saw God move in us.
- Realized more and more God's faithfulness, especially in time of need. God healed my heart, and still continues to do so.
- God provided friends and family that are an utter blessing to me and my relationship with Him.
- God used each burden and trouble in my heart and turned it around so I could become stronger. He showed me His endless glory.
- God brought me back home after I strayed. I came back broken and dirty, but I was made new again.
- I overcame my fear of talking to people about my problems or emotions. I opened an over
-packed bottle of secrets, anger, sadness, and even joy. I was set free! I let nothing stay held back.
- This holiday season has been the best in forever. Family is closer together, and moments are cherished rather than physical gifts.
- Pursued art and photography a little bit more as I try a lot of new things.
- God blessed me with Kason, my first real relationship. It's mind blowing to be with someone who acknowledges my flaws and bruises and stays patient with me as I continue to heal, and even helps me grow closer to Christ through my struggles instead of pull me away.
- and last, God has simply blown me away with an amazing year. It had it's immeasurably tough times, but what God did and how He showed himself to me every single day surpassed everything that could have possibly made the year a tragedy.
It's pretty clear that every negative thing that happened was eventually overcome by God and his glory. Times got tough and faith was lost, but it was always restored one way or another, if it's not in the restoration process right now. I'm thankful for such a blessed year full of steps and learning. I couldn't have gone without it.
Now, goals for 2009.....
- Get a job. Pay for what I need to and start saving for.. college?
- Succeed farther in arts in photography. Painting and photography classes this semester.. very excited.
- Somehow, someway, get a professional digital camera. I think that's the one material thing I want with a passion. Hah.
- Restart an unspoken resolution from last year.. and actually succeed(this is important, very very important!).
- Grow stronger in my daily walk with God. Become more resistant to temptations.
- Spend more time with God and strive daily for a better understanding of the Word.
- Become a stronger leader. Do harder things and make bigger sacrifices for God's kingdom.
- Make better grades! Starting senior year in the fall.. lets not get D's anymore!
- Grow more confident in myself, seeing as how I have very little.
- Grow even more closer to family.
- And last, just be able to take every situation in my life, big or small, good or bad, and use it to understand God more, bring Him glory, and change my lifestyle for the better.
Yep.
I may add on later as I remember more.
Sorry it took me so long to update. I kinda sorta forgot to! :-O
By bad...
So it's a new year, eh? Time for "starting over" and trying to succeed at New Year's Resolutions that truly never will be succeeded.I've read several people's blogs about 2008 and it's pros and cons, and their goals for 2009. I found it kind of interesting so I'll write one here.
Best and Worst!
Worst:
- Struggling endlessly with writing and English classes. Painfully failed poetry with a D, and didn't do well on my first essay of the fall semester.
- Faced issues with close friends that brought me down with their problems
- Managed to break or strongly disable two cameras
- Had many fights with the fam.
- Had a close friend rushed to the hospital.. same night I was in a fight with the fam.
- Had serious emotional problems during Mission New Orleans. (Came through eventually, but some days were off)
- Had my prom date drop out on me
- Had 3 1/2 weeks of SAT classes during the summer, which only decreased my score.
- Got a horrible sunburn at Six Flags in San Antonio on August 1st.. which can still be seen to this day.
- Struggled with the possibility that my family would move overseas.
- Broke one of my original new years resolutions.
- Fell into rotten temptation. Did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of.
- Was lied to by someone for awhile, which also made me lie to myself. Big whole mess.Long story. Physically and emotionally beat up many times.
- Lost some friends
- Still didn't get a job yet.
- And last, the constant struggle of overwhelming fear.
Best:
- I got the chance to go on THREE mission trips.. New Orleans, Mexico, and San Antonio.. where I was a chaperon for middle schoolers. I also revisited my 8th grade mission trip VBS site.
- Witnessed lives get saved and adoration to God being expressed through song in 2 different languages in unison(very cool).
- Two of my cousins started coming to church with me right after new years of 08. Both either became Christians or recommitted their lives to Christ, and both were baptized.
- Three of my cousin's friends visited church one day too. All three gave their lives to Christ.
- Met The Wedding live at our church for d-now, and found out our band leader was joining them. :-O
- Visited FBC Watauga for d-now also. Awesomest sermons ever...very life changing. Found those same sermon recordings on youtube last week. I freaked.
- Turned 16. Didn't get my license for 8 more months, but I got in eventually!
- Met a buttload of new people. Lots of new friends.
- Watched the youth group at Glenview grow as youth ministers came and left. The body of believers stayed strong, and I saw God move in us.
- Realized more and more God's faithfulness, especially in time of need. God healed my heart, and still continues to do so.
- God provided friends and family that are an utter blessing to me and my relationship with Him.
- God used each burden and trouble in my heart and turned it around so I could become stronger. He showed me His endless glory.
- God brought me back home after I strayed. I came back broken and dirty, but I was made new again.
- I overcame my fear of talking to people about my problems or emotions. I opened an over
-packed bottle of secrets, anger, sadness, and even joy. I was set free! I let nothing stay held back.
- This holiday season has been the best in forever. Family is closer together, and moments are cherished rather than physical gifts.
- Pursued art and photography a little bit more as I try a lot of new things.
- God blessed me with Kason, my first real relationship. It's mind blowing to be with someone who acknowledges my flaws and bruises and stays patient with me as I continue to heal, and even helps me grow closer to Christ through my struggles instead of pull me away.
- and last, God has simply blown me away with an amazing year. It had it's immeasurably tough times, but what God did and how He showed himself to me every single day surpassed everything that could have possibly made the year a tragedy.
It's pretty clear that every negative thing that happened was eventually overcome by God and his glory. Times got tough and faith was lost, but it was always restored one way or another, if it's not in the restoration process right now. I'm thankful for such a blessed year full of steps and learning. I couldn't have gone without it.
Now, goals for 2009.....
- Get a job. Pay for what I need to and start saving for.. college?
- Succeed farther in arts in photography. Painting and photography classes this semester.. very excited.
- Somehow, someway, get a professional digital camera. I think that's the one material thing I want with a passion. Hah.
- Restart an unspoken resolution from last year.. and actually succeed(this is important, very very important!).
- Grow stronger in my daily walk with God. Become more resistant to temptations.
- Spend more time with God and strive daily for a better understanding of the Word.
- Become a stronger leader. Do harder things and make bigger sacrifices for God's kingdom.
- Make better grades! Starting senior year in the fall.. lets not get D's anymore!
- Grow more confident in myself, seeing as how I have very little.
- Grow even more closer to family.
- And last, just be able to take every situation in my life, big or small, good or bad, and use it to understand God more, bring Him glory, and change my lifestyle for the better.
Yep.
I may add on later as I remember more.
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