Ok...

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I decided to start posting more on this blogger, but I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore.
So, if you reading this(whether you're a regular reader or not), leave a comment and delight me with your presence.


I'd appreciate it greatly!

My heart is loud.

I think I'm going to go back to the start, as if I was talking one-on-one with Christ, with no hindrance.
I remember when I could do that...
But it seems, I've been blinded by everything else.
I saw nothing. I heard nothing.
All I understood was my own desires.
My own desired failed me.
Man, they failed me miserably.

I think it's time to go back to the start, and reconcile my life with Christ's.
His love and grace is more faithful than the morning, so what am I to be afraid of.
My unworthiness and uncleanliness, I suppose.

I shouldn't be afraid of anything, really.
I admit that I am though.
I'm scared of many things right now.
I'm unsure if it's strong fear, or something that can just be brushed off the shoulder.
I can never really tell.
I know God can help me through though. He's always been so faithful to me.
God has blessed me so much. I'm pretty sure He deserves my whole-hearted attention, dontcha think?
I wanna give it to Him, because...

I love Him.



But, I wanna love Him even more.
I need a change for better...
...A lot better.

My heart is loud. It's screaming. It's hurting. It's dying for a release.
No man can silence it. I am in God's hands.

I'm pretty beaten up.
I'm angry, upset, and distraught...
But, now I know.

I have to give up.
The scars are going to last, possibly forever,
but I thank God they weren't worse.

Brittle

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I am weak.


I admit.
I am completely and utterly weak, and these past two or three weeks have been very emotionally draining on me. I find myself getting hurt, over and over again, and I've gotten to the point where I think I've pushed myself too far. My faith is not strong enough. I am weak. I am brittle. I need a full, honest, and close relationship with God. I cannot handle any other kind of relationship, and may not be able to for a long time.. not because of fear, but because of my weakness.
I will be stronger someday, and that is when God will direct me towards those, but until then, I've been blessed with a close friend or two lately, and that's probably more than enough for me.

Pray for me.
I need to take everything very slow.
Pray for healing, strength, guidance, and a faithful attitude.

Questionable?

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I decided to post a "mood picture" for today.

For the majority of the day, I wasn't sure what kind of mood today was. This morning was alright. I felt pretty good for awhile, but I was very discouraged later afternoon and evening. I would have said today's mood was "pitifully scared" but I had no picture to match that, and it kinda changed after that. After all, it was only 10:00 pm at the time! ;)

I'm come to the conclusion that today's mood is "Meaningful".

I don't care if it's a "legalized" mood, but it works best right now. When I look at this picture, it reminds me of a ghost. Very pastel and bright, but kind of dark at the same time.
I went the majority of the day feeling like I have no meaning to anyone's life. I was not benefiting anyone, and everything that had previously been told to me about my importance has now been erased. I felt hopeless, like a wandering cloud that has so significant meaning. After talking to a friend for a while, I became very vulnerable to him. (Same thing happened Friday night with another friend as well). I hold him as many things about me and my past sins as I could without burning his ears out with vulnerability. I wasn't feeling guilt for anything, and I wasn't really trying to repent for anything. I simply wanted to let him know what kind of stuff I've been through. After talking for not more than five minutes, he broke. He confessed of his same exact sin, which he had not been able mention to anyone before now. He had never been able to forgive himself, much like myself a year ago. In a matter of 20 minutes, this seemingly stead-fast guy turned into jello, and everything was pure joy and what was heavy was now lifted. He was "floating" on forgiveness and reassurance of his salvation.

You'd think that by 10 pm, if everything wasn't fine by then, your day is basically screwed

But my mood went from meaningless, to meaningful.
I actually impacted someones life, however I dedicate it all to Christ.

With that said, I am almost like a wandering spirit. I'll go wherever the Lord takes me, and there I will work, and there I will make an impact. I don't appear to be a problem-solver, because I'm not at all. I'm a servant hidden behind a totally normal person who may not even smile all the time! Imagine that!

I feel hopeful.

Today's mood...

I've been inspired to take self portraits every now and then to "express" my mood for that day.
I won't do it every day... just, every so often.

Today: Thoughtful

My eyes are very wide open today, mentally.

It was a little bit of a brighter day,

But also, I'm vulnerable to loneliness or sadness.

In the end, I'm quite hopeful though.. somehow.

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If you don't see how the picture fits, just ask. I'll gladly explain. ;)

Small Photo Blog

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My driver's license came in the mail this morning. My mom and sisters told me I had a really good license photo.
I suppose that's good.
:-)
(Look! My smile even sparkled... *wink*)




Also today, my family(except my dad) went to the state fair. We didn't make it there until about 6:00 this evening. All my pictures were taken in the dark, so they are a little bit blurry.

Urm... yeah


Oh!! I just remembered...
Painting class at Sonlight is phenomenal. We finally finished out first painting of the semester. It was paint-by-video, which was a little interesting, but fun nonetheless.
Keep in mind, it was done in a total of 4 hours or less, and it was my first painting.. ever, so it certainly could've been better.

The end.

Pleased

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I just told someone my whole life story in one sitting.
Oh my gosh, I didn't know my testimony took an hour and a half to explain.

Haha
Well, I'm surpringly pleased. I'm pretty sure I'm not the same person to her now. Hmm...

Today has been a lot better, considering the former of this week.
Please say a prayer for me though.
I could always use it.

Let's take advantage of that.

Friend: So... how's life?

Me: Awesome

Friend: Why is it so awesome??

Me: ...Because it can be.




Ahh, see now, that's simple wisdom.
Every time you spend a minute in discontentment, you waste 60 seconds that could have been used with the joy you found in Christ.

Quick Update:

1. I got my license last Monday, after having a stinkin permit a year and a half.
I'm pleased now.

2. After getting a license, I went and applied for a job at PartyCity, because it's fun and walking distance from my house.... this works better for lack of cars. ;)
Unfortunately, it's been a week since then, and they told me they'd look over applications over the weekend.. and nothing's come up.
Eh, oh well.

3. School is going surprisingly well, but I'm seriously not liking my Brit Lit class, and I'm having a hard time reading novels and writing essays about them(because I'm just not a reader, or a writer) so please pray that I can get that done and get a decent grade, pleasse!?

4. Praise Jesus, family is getting better. I was able to talk to my mom last week about some of the stuff going on in my life. A lot of things were cleared up, and she may now be a bit more helpful and supportive.
This excites me!

5. Michelle's visiting this weekend. Going to State fair on Thursday. Michelle's artwork is displayed there, too. Go look. Now.




That's all for now. Hopefully I'll post again soon.

Flickr

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I recently got a Flickr account to post some of my photography.
I recommend checking it out. :-)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30743426@N07/

I add more pictures almost daily, so check back every now and then, and feel free to post your comments and tips if you have a flickr account too.

Prayer Request

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Pastor Dennis briefly mentioned in church this morning a mother who spoke with him last week about her unborn child that had to be aborted this week due to development problems, Downs Syndrome, and other various medical issues that would most likely kill the mother if kept.
He didn't mention her name, but I have a very strong feeling I know who he is talking about, which has me a bit worried.
I guess I'll find out eventually.

Please pray for the mother. I'm sure she's having a hard time right now.